teeny tiny small joyful things.

so i know i haven't updated in ages and i ... maybe owe an explination? not? i dunno. i used to use this blog as an outlet while stuck at a job that i absolutely loathed.... and now, after quitting, and after spending three months wandering around my condo wondering where i was going and what i was doing... i guess i sort of didn't see the 'need' to write anymore. i don't know if i still do. no pictures for now, i've misplaced my cord for my camera yet again (surprise, surprise) but , i don't know, i just kinda sorta somewhat felt like updating and felt curious if anyone even wandered (wondered?) over this blog anymore.

the one thing that crossed my mind just now as i was reading (everyone should check out Jude Deveraux, she's 'classic chic lit' i suppose and her books live in the romance section but really, it's not harlequin and she really has a wonderful writing style. check her out.) this memory i have of being about twelve years old riding shotgun with my mom in our little ford (teal, classic 90's) station wagon. do they even make station wagons anymore? anyway, we were driving toward Temecula from where we lived in california and right before the border check (yeah, they had border checks..... any trunk that hung low, expect to be pulled over and gawked at as they checked you over for smuggling illegal people) and i was sitting all morose and staring out the car window- a habit that i picked up early-on in life from traveling cross-country (thanks military) so often.... trust me, three day car rides get verrrrry boring and trying on a five year old.

anyway.

so we were driving along, i was lost in my own world and just staring out.. .watching cars, people, the endless mountains that never ever looked green (maybe they were hills? granite? i dunno.) and this little car passes us, and this man, probably... i mean, to me, at twelve, he seemed 'OLD', but was probably early thirties TOPS and he looked at me and kept driving...

and then two minutes later, he's right next to us on the right, and we make eye contact and he gives me a little half-smile and points to the edge of his lopsided offering and pokes at the corner of his mouth, as if to say, 'hey, girl. smile.'

for some reason this memory pops up from time to time, and i always wonder if he remembers as much or as often as i do. isn't it crazy how one little afterthought, one little poke at your face could ruminate and settle deep inside a person for the rest of their life? that one little gesture reminds me, all the time, that it takes no effort at all to smile even when it feels like your entire house is perched on your upper lip.

i don't know why i'm thinking of that, or why i thought to share, but it just reminds me that the smallest, tiniest, teeniest bit of kindness or- afterthought- could change someones disposition every year or so. he changes mine every time i remember that.

i never told anyone about that, almost like i kept it close to my heart like a little secret, but it was such a sweet, small thing. i guess i feel like sweet, small things are few and far between lately, and i want to make some morose, self-absorbed, whiny twelve year old sit up rod-straight in shock one day while driving down the highway in 100 degree heat and go,

whoa, did someone just see me? wow. and to think, i thought i was gliding along all by myself for all these years.

where am i going with this??

hi, everyone. i'm alive, well, happy, and moving into a more joyous and appreciative section of my still-evolving life. i still lurk and read and poke at all of your writings and i've missed talking to you all. i just needed some time.

make some random kid smile next time you're stuck in traffic. trust me, it's a rush.

should i pry my ass off the couch yet? ya think?

so, long story short, today we were supposed to spread my grandmas ashes. she requested no funeral, to be cremated, and her organs (as many as survived.... in all honesty, after her smoking for 40+ years and drinking just as much, lord knows what they salvaged ((i'm going to hell for saying salvaged)) but at least they were able to help someone out there) to be donated. so, bc of that, we aren't getting her ashes today. we were planning on going to the cemetary and putting half on my grandpas grave (illegal, yes, but hello? my family? this is hardly anything, especially since she always wanted to be with her husband in death. it's the least i can do to bend the rules, justhisonce. or. whatevah.) and half in the forest she used to play in as a kid. her favorite place, where she grew up.

where was a going? typical lauren fashion, i'm side-tracked once again. sigh.

anyway. so. turns out, bc she donated organs, (go g-ma) her ashes aren't going to be 'ready' (how morbid is that?) until this weekend. my aunt (my grandmas daughter) has to go back to florida, where she lives. she already extended her stay.

so, we decided, we will put her ashes in an urn and wait until my aunt comes back up to spread them. i'm thinking we should do it next year on their wedding anniversary, but it's also my uncle's bday so... that may be too upsetting for him. but. just an idea. in a year from now.

so meanwhile, i have no job and before i was excited and now i'm sort of freaking out. i know it's hard to get a job right now, which is okay, but... even tho i haven't REALLY tried i got rejected from a city commerce job that kind of made me take a blow to my self-esteeem. but. it is what it is. i'm still trying to figure out what i'm going to do this fall, for school, how i'm going to pay for it and what classes i can take toward a degree that's going to ultimately benefit me longterm.

my brain is exploding!!!!!!


just curious, what do ya'll do ??? what do you do for work? or what do you do during your day if you DON'T work??? i'm just curious. i know not a lot of people read this, but those that do, i'm curious about what you do and how you do it. consider it, blog-in-reverse.


if you ever want to ask me any questions, too, please!!!!!! feel free. i'm an open, cracked-spine book. ask anyone.


so, tomorrow, i am going to start posting pictures of my trip to florida. FINALLY.

i missed you guys. i thought about closing this down. then i thought, i'm no pioneer woman. i'm no.... big name on the intronet. but i can put my say on my small space and be who i am.

let's just give good wishes, tonight, to my grandma, phyllis, who donated organs and helped an anyonymous person out there.

i'm sure she's lookin down toasting her old style, sayin, of course i did. what kind of person do you think i am???? ................... gimme a beer whydoncha.

so i said i needed a stoning, and yet, please don't pelt me yet. pretty please?

so i joked (seemingly uncharacteristic, right? har. har.) about posting this, well, post. i just don't know what to do with this anymore. and yet i decided, despite who reads it and who doesn't, who in my real life has discovered this wonderful outlet, well....


okay. so. picture me, in the hospital, visiting my grandmother for three days. three. long. days.

can i re-iterate? is that how you properly spell it? grammar is my strong point and yet i make a faux pas. forgive. forgive.


so i thought about not posting. then i thought more about it. sorry, if i'm 'all over the page', but truly? i'm confused.


my grandmother died yesterday.


you'd think that i had a HUGE relationship with her, right? for the fact that i drove all over sunday to get to her, to see her intubated, to cry with my aunt who is more like my sister than i can ever say- to the point that i call her daughter my neice, and she is my sister- you'd think i had a great connection.


point is, i didn't. i spoke, freely, openly, about how i despised the fact that she was slowly killing herself. that she gave up on life at only 40 and decided to enable her son to be a deadbeat. i spoke out, a lot, about how i hated what she did. how she chain smoked and drank tall boys out of plastic glasses so that no one would notice.

ha. we ALL noticed.


i went on, and on, and on, about how i hated it, how i hated that she threw away life.


did i mention that she had five children? my mother is the eldest of five. she was first, then her brother who, ....well, i'm being honest as hell here so really? my uncle is just a drug addict. then move on the next one, the next uncle, the one that enabled my grandmother (tho she could always speak for herself) to become a drunk and a failure.


failure. what a nasty, nasty word, isn't it funny that i'm still negative? i'm still judging?


shame on me.


so then came angie, and i love that girl more than the world. she's more like my sister than an aunt. she's just a few years older than i am and i love her more than i could ever articulate.

then there's joey, he's the youngest, and i love him like a brother.

our family? yeah. we're a little skewed. but would life give me anything else? if not skewed?

where was i going?



point is, the shocking thing is... i am broken up. i am sad. i am crying at a moments notice and remembering my grandma and it's like a shock thru my entire system. okay, grandmas die. PEOPLE die. it's what we do. but..

still, i saw her, or, i should say i saw her body. after she passed. died. left. retired. ran off. i saw her. i saw her, in the hospital bed, i saw her, and i can tell you right now that it left a crater in my heart. i don't know why i'm posting this, except maybe, it'll help.

i miss her . and the most pissed off thing about this is, i never told her. i. never. told. her.

i haven't said i love you to my grandma in years, bc i felt resentment, anger, whatever. and i know she understands, but yet, what would it have taken from me? to say, HEY, i love you? yo, granmoms, i love you?

nothing. it would have taken, nothing, from me.


and to see her, dead, ........ dead takes on a whole new meaning.


i am upset, sad, regretful, shameful.


i love you, phyllis, i loved you. i'm sorry i never added up to a very good grandkid, but i loved you.



i hope you and grandpa are having a great, super, amazing party up there. you deserve it. and to all of you? i'm sorry that i haven't written. it is more out of shame than anything else.

phyllis skroko, june 20th, 2009.
you will be missed.

aren't i a total slacker? don't i deserve a stoning? i know.

so.



i TOTALLY deserve some nasty comments, cuz i've been m.i.a. for waaaaaaaaaay too long. truth is, i've been coming off of three weeks in florida and honestly? the pictures to download, upload, import, enter, has me in a tither. a big bother. i'm overwhelmed. i cleaned the house top to bottom yesterday, including the fridge AND freezer mind you, which, hellllooooo is a task to be given to people who are PAID to do it bc really? oh, lawsie, i thought i had what it took and i guess i did but really? in the end? i'm still winded.


could be the HUGE ASS CANDLE that landed on my right foot while i was scrubbing the bathtub and cleaning the floor on my knees. could be.

nah. my husband thinks it's 'no big deal'. well, the welt on my foot?

if i could give two shits about taking a pic of it? i would. but really? why would i subject ya'll to that madness? that gross ness? bc really, it's black and blue and swollen and as my husband said when i sent him a photo of my right foot via camera phone, 'your feet look huge. lol.'

wow. thanks. babe. that makes me feel SOOOO much better.



meanwhile, i wanted to let ya'll know i'm alive, and i'm here, i'm reading, i'm catching up, i've just been traveling for too long to really get ahold of online life. i know. business men do it all the time but i'd love to see how interesting THEIR blogs are, right??

.......right? eep.


anyway. look forward to pics when i get around to uploading them tomorrow. i went out on the ocean on a catamaran, my most favorite part of all..... i stayed up late, drank too much, (sorry folks, but it's true) had a fabulous time with the kids and just lived it up in florida.


although, you floridians? can take your 100 degree weather. anytime. that was wicked hot, yo. wicked.


stay tuned!

holy hell

so i'm sitting in my aunts kitchen in west palm beach, with a thunderstorm overhead, a baby sleepin, and me without a computer.


that's right. it was working fine, and then TA DA i try to log on during a layover in washington d.c. on monday and............ there's a virus. so my aunts husband is going to run some programs on it later today and hopefully, i can upload pictures, etc, lots and lots of stuff.


so that's that. i'm stuck. i'm so sorry. but i promise, i took LOTS of pictures and i'm heading down to key west tomorrow.......... YAY :)

so of course, in my life? of course. the computer craps out the day i'm traveling with a five hour layover.


lovely.

vacay yay!!!

so this is my goodbye.


for now.



as in, i'll see ya'll later tonight, if amtrak has wireless.


if not, then i'll see you tuesday, when i get into fort lauderdale.


AS IN FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


sayonara suckas.

just kiddin. i love yous. yay for vacay!!!!!!!!!!!

PICTURES GALORE

so, right now, i'm stahhhhving. i just made some basmati rice in chicken broth that i totally burned- but salvaged most of it- the pan is soaking as we speak (i type?) and no, there will be no picture of that disaster.

however i'm, after i post this, going to try my hand at a mexican casserole with ingredients i have on hand. some black beans sauteed with a little salsa (more like pico de gajo.. gayo?) and whatever paprika/cumin combo i can scrounge up... then some cheese and some tortilla chips, should be interesting.

anyway! meanwhile, i had some time on my hands in between laundry and messing around with food so i thought i'd upload some pics.


of my house..... for you!

but quickly first? this is my current obsession:


and yeah, that's my stove, RIGHT. NOW. with my cornies in there.... about to be shucked a lil for my casserole and the rest? smothered in butter and salt and eaten. YUM.

i have an obsession with having fresh flowers in my kitchen by the sink. and they have to be a range of pale ivory to green or yellow. i have no idea why. i just love these those. they're sooooo bright and believe it or not? these are over a week old. LOVE that.

i was feeling a little down the other night and vlad came home with these. pretty, right???? they're in the living room right now. this is the view directly to my left when i'm sitting on my spot on the couch.

below, find what my backyard looks like RIGHT NOW:

green, right???? nuts.

also? what's with the rain, man????

it's like a nasty, nasty swamp land down below. thank goodness i live on the second floor. amen.

my living room, standing in the dining room. that's the only 'window' i have in the house besides a teeny one in the bedroom. the sliding glass door. right now the computer is right there and i'm sitting in front of it.... bc my wireless is down and i have to plug in old school style in order to get online.

yeah. gotta fix that tonight or tomorrow before i leave on sunday for florida, bc how else am i going to get internet access???



this is my dining room- i'm standing with my back to the living room. just think about turning around from where i was in the above photo.

a lil secret: that tablecloth is vinyl. I KNOW. i never thought i'd own a vinyl tablecloth that wasn't meant for a bbq outside. but i do. and i love it. it wipes off sooooo easily and yet, it's paisley, sage green and wonderful.

these are my bookcases. as vlad says, my library. i have no idea what i was watching on t.v.... it looks sorta creepy.



and please ignore the beer in the left hand corner k thanks.

this is right inside my front door on the right when you walk in.... i LOVE elephants. those are my keys on the far left.

okay the kitchen, this is if you were standing RIGHT inside the front hall of my house, JUSt walking in. the elephant key holder would be to the right.

okay so now you've walked a lil further into the house and you've turned to the right. that's my teeny kitchen that i adore. oh, and the dining room. the house is like a perfect square.

more of the kitchen. i love it. i picked everything. love. it. the granite is just heaven.... SO EASY TO COOK with it.

er, is this a trend or something???? please forgive me. i swear, that's not my vodka to the right. that's vlad's. just sayin. sheesh.

and this is daisy. wth is she doing?????? she's like, trying to snort the pillow in her sleep.

weirdo.

seriously, how could she SLEEP like this???? nuts.

oh and also? proof that she's really, really odd. she likes to smell my shoes. yeah. the shoes i wore alllllll day at work and probably smell bad and everything. i guess they have my 'scent'. or. she's just a crackhead. who knows.

i guess that means my shoes are her crack. and that i'm her dealer. good lord i'm an enabler.

aren't those booties CUTE?????????

just sayin.

so there you go. now, please excuse me while i go scarf down some corn.