graceful schmaceful

so there is one thing about me (okay one of about a million trillion) that makes me 'special', as my husband likes to say.

i trip. ALL. THE. TIME. seriously. and i constantly bump into walls, desks, cars, carts, stairs, basically anything and everything that comes even CLOSE to my path. seriously. i'm like a magnet for making a fool out of myself.

for instance, if i had my camera i would show you visible evidence- but since i'm at work, not working, but pretending to work and feigning like i'm working by typing and staring intently at the screen, i cannot- i have a bruise on my right bicep, and it is from, wait for it, wait for it...

walking into the door jam leading to the KITCHEN AT WORK. yes. bc that is where i spend ALL of my time while working. yep. eating. that's me. lard ass over here. seriously, i spend ALL DAY eating. they call me the garbage disposal around here. they even go so far as to say 'nah we don't need a garbage can, we've got lauren.' so yes. if i were ever kidnapped tortured and left for dead on the side of the road (god, morbid much? this is actually my BIGGEST FEAR EVER.) my identifying mark would be 'hey, does she have a bruise the size of ohio on her right bicep? if so, that's the fatty we're lookin' for.'

so anyway. what prompted this post? yeah, i did a classic move about five minutes ago. i was walking down the hall, minding my own biz, and what do i do? yep, you guessed it folks. i tripped over my own feet. and how? i smacked my right foot right into my left ankle bone. tripped, stumbled, did the whole 'dear lord jesus do not let me fall flat on my face' floundering arm thing, then smacked my ankle bone, then went down for the count, all the while going 'shit! shit! ow! ow, that hurts! ow i'm not kidding here!'

a few heads popped out of the offices. they were all the newbies 'round here. and why did the 'oldies but goodies' ignore my antics? bc they see it happen. a million times a day. every day. on the hour. minute. miniscule nanosecond.

bc i? am the QUEEN of lookin' like a fool.

also? i am now apparently queen of self-inflicted-ankle-injuries bc this one? hurts like a mo' fo'.

okay. i lied.

okay. one last picture. this is me. after blogging. bc i am SO DAG-GUM RELEAVED to have finished that post. phew! that was a doozy. and so, goodnight ya'll, and even tho i sound southern i am SO. not. so. sorry for frontin' and all but really? i just like the word ya'll, yo.

and just bc i'm honest (addicted to blogging) cool (obsessed) kind (deranged) and commited and all, (again. obsessed comes to mind.) here's a photo of me doing my HULK impersonation. i know. i know. i am, like, TOTALLY your worst nightmare.

PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!

hi guys. so i'm at home, chillin', readin' my book, home alone for the night since vlad has to work late... thinkin'.... what am i gonna do with myself??? a book can only go so far. (sorry, j.r. ward.) and the movies i rented the other night? not so far. not by a long shot. then i hear my phone beeping it's little heart out bc i've been a bad mom and let it run out of battery. crap- home alone and no phone equals BAD IDEA. so i run upstairs to get the charger, glance at the computer, see my camera and BAM! remember hey! you wanted to upload pics! do! it! now! you lazy sod! before you totally flake out! like always!

wow! i'm so uppity!

ahem. anyway. so, here we go. just a few that i've uploaded... bc for some horrible reason my computer decided I DONT LIKE PICTURES within the last ten minutes. these took me forever to get up. but. uhm. yeah. so here we go:


this, my dear friends, is the FLOOD i was talking about. do you see this? can you understand that there is a major two-lane STREET under all that water?? and we only live in ILLINOIS not southern mississippi?? or alabama? or georgia? or.. or... ya'll know what i'm talkin' bout. anyway. look at that! insane. and even more insane- there are PEOPLE WALKING IN IT.

let me just tell you about this water for a minute, bc it is no normal water. and before you go thinkin' it's some sort of amazing water-into-wine-water, let me tell you, nosirreebob it is DEFINITELY not. bc, my friends, the reason why there was such a huge flood is bc 1? Des Plaines has a HUGE RIVER, and this road is aptly named "RIVER ROAD" and thus? was flooded. BUT. it wouldn't have been AS BAD if it weren't for the lovely... er... how shall i put this... uhm... the IN DIRE NEED OF UPDATING sewage system.

ding ding! you got it. that's sewer. water. that. people. are. walking. in. that my husband had to walk through to get into his auto body shop to make sure all the electrical issues were taken care of- my husband who gagged the whole time, wore old shorts and shoes and threw them out as soon as he was done. my husband who scrubbed his legs RAW after this. one of our best friends, Danny, married to Britt who's just so fab- he went with vlad to 'deal' with the whole mess and he was honest to god trying to talk vlad into putting himself into a garbage can and FLOATING to the damn shop. i kid you not. seriously. (idiots) what clever men. and no they didn't do it.

this next one is the front of his shop. please take note of the minivan ditched so ungraciously in the street. and also notice, the windows are down. think someone wanted to claim flood insurance? i think so.

okay. off of the flood for the moment bc honestly? my attention span is dwindling and my computer is slow tonight (bc it hates me) bc i need to do updates but am too lazy, so i'm trying to get as many pics up as i can. this next one is of my friend Holly and me, she's a model when she's not working a full-time job and i had just gone to support her in one of her shows, at a bar/club in downtown chicago. here we are, sneaking into the 'VIPonlysection' aka the 'really crappy back of the bar' section. ahem. i'm the blonde on the right. in case you didn't figure that out.

this next one is from my weekend two weeks ago..... dun dun dun... the RUSSIAN BRUNCH. the lady on the left is my sister in law, Kathy. and uhm. that's me. i look all big-nosed and distorted bc i was concerned about getting the angle right on the photo. yeah. that's it. that's my story and i'm stickin' to it.

and this. here, my friends, is the table. or, part of the table. notice the HUGE bottle of bourbon just chillin', a little sipped off the top, and mind you, this was at TWELVE IN THE AFTERNOON. on a SUNDAY. with VODKA. and wine. and ... and... uhm... so i had a glass. i mean, a small one. okay. c'mon now. do you BLAME a girl for getting a tiny sip of Pinot when you're surrounded with Russian nonstop and you don't have a clue to next sunday what they're sayin'??? i KNOW that there are at least some of you who would have done the same thing. ahem. anyway.

and this... i am sorry to say... is the topper. the big kahuna. THIS was part of the main course. catfish. STILL. WHOLE. look at that lil' guys' face. he looks so sad. sort of 'aw shucks, here i am all cooked and all, and you're gonna put me on a blog? seriously? i am SO mortified.' and he has no eyes. know why? no, not bc they remove them when they cook the poor guy. bc people EAT THEM. for GOOD LUCK.

excuse me while i take a moment to throw up in the back of my mouth. EWYUCK.

Also, please take note of TERMINATOR in the back rear. yes. that is my wonderful grandma. actually my husbands grandmother. she had laser surgery on her eyes, and bc, you know, we're at a russian restaurant at NOON on a SUNDAY and all, the STROBE LIGHTS were hurting her eyes so she had to put on the glasses. oh, yeah. you betcha. strobe lights. you read correctly. so while i had to deal with casper the catfish kindly telepathing (i know this isn't a real word. pfft. i like it.) his request for his eyes back, i also had to spend a good half hour trying not to LAUGH MY BUTT OFF at poor grandma. bc seriously? terminator? at a brunch? with some Pinot?

stick a knife in me bc i'm done, ya'll.

and so i leave you with one last photo. this is my husband, Vlad (Vladimir), the russian, the crazy man, the boy i love, the man of my dreams. he's being silly here. but i forgive him. bc really?

i totally made him do this. i call it 'the hulk.' cuz i'm original like that, yo.

more pics to come. i promise, cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die, please don't stick a needle in my eye, girl scouts honor promise.

(swear on my juicy couture and cole haan handbags swear, and if i had some prada or gucci, that too!)

THIS is what i just ate. THIS LOVELY ROUND er... sort of... bowl-ish type specimen i lay before you was my lunch. and it was amazing.

oh, kraft foods, how i love thee and your synthetic cheeses and sauces and spices. how i adore the teeny spice/cheese packages that i know are the key to the wonderfulness of my meals.

i swear i don't have ADD... or, what was i saying?

so the weekend was full of debauchery and shenanigans and goofiness. kind of. i make it sound more interesting than it really was. friday, well.. i can't really remember actually what we did friday. i think bc we just did more of what we do during monday-thursday, which is go home, take a shower, stuff our faces full of food we probably shouldn't eat- WAIT! now i remember.

we ordered pizza, sat on the floor of the living room like little kids, ate straight out of the ginormous pizza box, and watched movies. i can't really remember what we watched tho. i think it was "Bad Boys" bc that's my husbands favorite movie. seriously. we must have watched it like.... ten times this weekend. and that was just this weekend. there is a reason why i refuse to buy that damn dvd, folks.

on saturday, vlad (my husband) worked until around 2 i think, whereas i? yes, i did the most mature and responsible thing EV-ar. i slept. and slept. and slept some more. till about 1pm when i finally rolled out of bed bc husband called and said PEOPLE ARE COMING TO SEE OUR HOUSE and since we're all, you know, tryin' to SELL and all, i JUMPED up, freaked out, promptly cleaned the entire house top-to-bottom faster than any human i think has ever existed (or so i like to tell myself so i feel cool) just to have a phone call come in at 3 saying, oh, just kidding! they're comin' tomorrow.

which, i guess i was okay with, bc my house was now clean and i got to enjoy it on saturday then too. but that was short-lived.

bc on saturday NIGHT we had friends over, and i do have to say that these friends are SO. MUCH. BETTER. about cleanliness and being polite then the OTHER friends we had over LAST weekend. they made such a huge mess i was seriously skeeved out by the state of my kitchen. so this weekend i was all, oh, crap, freakin' GREAT now my newly-cleaned (read: scrubbed vacuumed wiped until my knuckles bled. not really. but just imagine that one!) is going to be so upside down that i'm going to have to wake up early to deal w/it before the open house.

but no! it was a great time. our bestest friends EV-ar, danny and britt came over and we all hung out. right now i'm reading a series called "The Black Dagger Brotherhood", it's about vamps and love and lust and action and it's SUPER GOOD FOLKS go read it- she's the one who turned me onto it so that's what we mostly talked about. characters. in the book. much to the dismay of our husbands who looked at us like we seriously had five heads or somethin'. bc we were chatting about the characters like we knew them. and, uhm, duh? hello, cuz? WE DO. nuff said.

anyway. so we had a great fantastic time, hung out, said goodnight, went to bed, woke up with a slight stella artois headache and then we had to run out, bc people were coming to looka t our house.

and okay? on a side note? this is a huge pet peeve. i mean if you're not interested in BUYING IT then why are you scheduling times to SEE IT??? i mean, i understand curiosity and coming around during an open house on a sunday or whatev bc i? have totally done that and am so guilty of scoping out my neighbors houses for decorating ideas. (meanwhile my house is my favorite. heh.) but seriously? making the owners leave for three hours so you can 'drop by' like the freakin' cable guy in the time frame of THREE HOURS?

so we went to Sams Club. and bought a veggie tray bc i am A-DDICTED to them. mmm. ranch and brocoli. YUMmers. and we bought some other stuff that isn't too interesting bc it wasn't for me. (hehe. i kid. i kid.) then, we went and looked at cars for vlad, bc his car was hit by the flooding that passed through his work area this past month. (i promise i will post pictures. you will me amazed.)

phew! wow. that was a doozy getting all that out. this post is so all over the place, and i tried to sit down and right something flowing and structured but honestly? that's not how i roll. to answer other questions, i did NOT find the bandage dress!!

I KNOW!!!! they were sold out at every store i went into. very sad. but it turns out that we didn't go out Saturday night after all, we had a get-together at my house which honestly i'd rather do over going out- so i got to wear my favorite jeans and this cute black thermal i picked up for 5.99!!! I KNOW. total score.

but, i will prevail. i am going to hunt that dress down for new years. or a dress similar to it. bc the bandage dress? o, you coy, coy vixen you, how i adore thee and will covet your forever. okay. i went overboard. but you catch my drift.

other than that i didn't post yesterday bc honestly i was the snarkiest of the snarky in all the land and was afraid that if i did try to write, it'd be one long rant. i'm writing now not so much bc i think this won't be a crap post (which i'm sure it is) but bc i WANTED to get stuff out, at least enough to center myself. bc work is out of control! too much drama to even begin to waste my time on. lets just say there are people in this world who really need to start waking up on the other side of the bed and stop eating nails for breakfast, bc they'd probably be nicer and would stop making our lives miserable.

so this is my attempt to get back in touch with REALITY (heh. funny that i choose the internet blogging world for my dose of reality) instead of dwelling on all of the negative floating around me right now.

plus my poor husband threw out his back sunday, so he's been living at the chiropractor. well not really. but he went last night and he's going again tonight. poor guy. it's pretty heart-wrenching when you see a grown man who's usually extremely in shape, energetic and constantly moving suddenly laid out flat on his back on the sofa and has to drink his water through a straw bc he can't sit up without being in pain. poor guy. (i totally thought of the straw idea, btw. it was neon green. bendy. and it was in a 'beauty and the beast' plastic cup. heh.)

ANYway, i leave all of you feeling much happier. when i sat down to write this i thought i was going to tear my hair out. or run screaming. but, since i need, you know, a paycheck, i thought writing would be better.

and as for tonight? since i'll be home alone for a while, i think i'm going to make potato bacon soup, a recipe i found (stole) from Tanya over at Sunday Baker (she's on my blogroll!!). It looks AMAZING and i will take pictures and maybe? just maybe? i'll remember to upload pictures before i pass out in a heavy-whipping-cream two-sticks-of-butter garlic-bread-and-potato-bacon-soup coma.

lust, or as carrie would say, hello, LOVER

OKAY! say hello to my Friday Obession:

hello, lover.....

meet: The Bandage Dress. this has become my latest obsession. vain, yes! trite, yes! am i in lust with this beautiful Herve Leger knockoff? you betcha!!!!! oh be still my beating heart, this is the thing that has kept me awake at night, drooling over W magazine and online InStyle. this gorgeous beauty is the reason why i ditched the spanx and didn't hold back on my pizza last night.

bc this beauty? it will hold in places on your body you thought were left for the dogs. bc there was NO way i thought my thighs would ever 'smooth' or 'contour evenly' and this dress? while it's meant for those who aren't completely out of shape, it is FORGIVING. and for this? oh, i love thee, bandage dress.

tonight i'm going shopping and damnit, i am DETERMINED to spend money on myself. bc i never, ever do. i am a shopaholic gone broke. i obsess over fashions and trends and yet i mostly stick to the 'classic' look which consists of a staple handbag (that was pricey, i might add, but i've worn it daily for over 2 years so i think the investment was worth it) black, black, and more black, and either birkenstocks, black pointy heels or flip flops. and lots of long drape-y necklaces and earrings bc those? don't cost too much. oh and nail polish. bc a good manicure can take you anywhere, baby.

but tonight, tonight is different. i am going to buy a bandage dress, damnit, bc tomorrow night? we're going downtown for a friends birthday celebration and i am so tired of wearing the same outfits out. i want to look GOOD. and this is probably the last time i can do so without breaking my neck, bc once the snow hits? oh, you can forget about wearing cute dresses and heels, honey, bc once that ice is on the ground only an earthquake could get me out of my house. and then only in Uggs.

so anyway. tonight, i am shopping. tonight? i want to find this dress. and tonight, i want to find a KILLER pair of platform heels. bc i? am going to look smokin'. even if it kills me.

(i just adore these impractical morsels of toe torture.)

i want YOU!

hey! you! yeah, you! (you lookin' at me??) i have a request. small, really. teeny tiny super small. it only involves one finger. like the guy above!! my main man!! all you gotta do is plunk yourself down at 9EST and turn on the t.v., and watch the VP debate tonight. bc honestly? i think everyone, no matter which way you swing, has gotta watch this.

bc in our country? at this time? this market? this hour of need? this time when we need to open our eyes and SEE what is going on rather than shutting the blinds and curling up in a ball and thinking your money is safe tucked away at Wachovia or WaMu? this time when you think you're doing fine bc your stocks are up and you have a job? this moment in time when we could change our country, forever?

with just one finger? one vote?

bc in our country, at this time, in this market, at this hour of need, you need to plunk down and hunker in with your mac&cheese (or whatever flips your skirt up) and use one teeny tiny finger to turn on the t.v.

and watch.

and take an active, honest-to-god interest in the debate. bc this? my friends? this is your life. YOUR future. not just some boring political spat.

this is your future, your childrens future, the worlds future, and your ONE VOTE could mean the world to all of us.