some ranting, and then the good juicy stuff: photos and HELP!

so, this week has been somewhat of a challenge. i have refrained from posting bc i am trying my best to stay positive and happy, and posting something uber-snarky (and not at all funny) would defeat the purpose.

today i finally feel that i'm able to laugh at this past week, instead of pound my head against the wall and weep.

it's not as if anything catastrophic has happened. i just started the week cranky. Vlad and i were both out of sorts, so of course, we were bickering and just nit-picky over ridiculous things that honestly, now that it's Thursday, i really couldn't tell you what was so important on Monday that caused us to have a spat.

although, locking myself out of the house yesterday morning? yeah. that one sucked.

Vlad usually starts my car in the morning (since it's COLD COLD COLD here in Illinois) unless he's leaving god-awful early. Yesterday he called upstairs to me if he should start it- i said, 'i guess... well... yeah okay' and assumed he had. i go about getting ready.. having a great morning so far, i like my outfit, my hair is somewhat okay, i'm running a little early which is good bc i was LATE on Tuesday... so finally i'm all buttoned-up and ready to go. assuming he has started my car, this means my keys are in the car. (duh) so i just lock the door manually and close it.

yeah. as soon as it closes i have an 'oh,shit' moment bc i don't hear my car running in the driveway. praying, HOPING i am wrong, i peek around the corner and sure enough... it's off. crap. i try to open the garage, but of course, our code opener is broken (it sits on the outside of the garage on the side of the house to manually open) and has been broken since 7 months ago. crap. so i go to the front door, hoping that i didn't close it all the way.... but i did. of course. and it's, like, 27 degrees outside. i'm wearing heels. no socks. a light jacket- bc i was thinking i was going four feet to my car.

i call Vlad. he gets pissed, says he can't come get me. says he'll figure it out. in the meantime i hoof it two streets over to my sister-in-laws house, bc i know the code to her garage (and her code opener WORKS, imagine that) and let myself in, only to shock my niece(in law)bc she's about to walk the dogs. so we hang out, watch some Sabrina the Teenage Witch and chill until my father-in-law comes to haul my sorry ass to work.

yeah. about an hour later, i am officially tragically late to work.. bc i was a moron.. bc of a misunderstanding with Vlad.. and was subjected to an hour of RUSSIAN TALK RADIO along with him almost hitting other cars and veering into other lanes bc he JUST MUST right this SECOND show me, IN DETAIL, acting it out, how he types "i use one finger! one! ahahaha! SEE? like ziis!! get it? one! bwahahaha!' bc everything is funny to him and half the time i don't understand what the hell he's sayin' bc he's, well, you know, RUSSIAN. sigh. love the man but... after an hour of that... sigh. and he doesn't believe in using the heater. so i froze my butt off until i got to work.

just to have a craptastic day. and then had to wait for Vlad to pick me up from work... and then had to sit in the car while he was at his accountants office... for 40 minutes...with nothing to read... then had to go to his parents house afterwards to try and hunt down an old-school suit for his halloween costume (Ron Burgundy) to no avail... some russian tv later, three yapping dogs and some parental guilt at not seeing them enough, we arrive home and i make grilled cheese sandwiches and some chicken soup.

yeah. and promptly fall asleep. and get a mild fever. and wake up this morning realizing, oh, lucky me i'm getting sick! so today i am loading up on vitamins. bundling up. (i'm sure the car ride aka mobile igloo ride didn't do me much good yesterday)

and when i get to work? i try to get into my glove box and the WHOLE THING goes flopping down on the ground, the contents spilling everywhere... screws flying.... and now my glovebox is broken. it is a sad, sad little glove box today.


PHEW! okay. now that i've got that out. i'm trying to figure out what to be for halloween. yes, i know it's TOMORROW. yes, i know i have totally fulfilled my procrastinating duties. so. this is where i need your help!!!

okay. so since i've been a cheerleader (ahem. sorry. i WAS a cheerleader. sometimes i like to pretend i still am) for about 7 years or so, i have TONS of cheer uniforms. i was thinking i could go as Claire Bennett. you know. from Heroes. my FAV. SHOW. EV-AR. (behind dexter, weeds, true blood, prison break.. etc...) (24...) see:


so. this is a pic i found online of her. i have a similar uniform that is red, gold and white, looks like this. i figure i could buy name tags at the store, and put a name tag over MY name that is on the uniform, and have it say, duh, "Hi, my name is.... Claire Bennett."

below is a photo of me from my sophomore year as Jr. Varsity... this isn't the uniform that i have that matches the above photo, but just to give you a hint at what it looks like. don't judge. i totally rocked those braces. hey i was only 15, yo! (i'm the blonde in the center.)


then i was thinking i could wear this super duper cute pinstriped dress i have. it's about knee-length, form fitting, strapless, sort of 40's looking. if i wore a black high-waisted belt with it, black boots and Vlad's white tie along with a fedora (i'm sure i can find a black one. they're in right now.) i could go as a mob girl. see similar photo below:

of course i have another option, too, i could go as a school girl and just hit up target after work and buy an actual school uniform white shirt, skirt and cardigan. then i could get a cheap tie, some knee-highs and just wear that. (of course it would, you know, be form fitting. i mean. it IS halloween folks. MUST LOOK CUTE.)

so what do ya'll think? should i just try them all and see what looks best? should i do a fashion show tonight with each outfit and then post the pics and you tell me tomorrow?

bc it's totally not like, you know, last minute or anything??????

sigh. i need help!

so. i started to sit down w/the intent to write a super duper witty post full of wily banter and hilarity's only to discover that i am in such a piss-poor mood, i would have to have a lobotomy to pull that off. so i've decided to just sorta post and go w/the flow. i have a couple things on my mind today.

1) why is it that when you're feeling craptastic, mcdonalds fixes you right up? i don't get that one. i would think trans fat would make you feel BAD. after watching Supersize Me, i don't understand how in the world a chicken mcnugget happy meal double cheeseburger and medium fry (yes i know i get fries w/the happy meal. there just aren't enough fries in the world to sate me.) lunch could possibly make me feel ten shades of wonderful right now. maybe it's the pint-sized sprite? or maybe the 'girl toy' which is my next thing-

2)okay. wtf is w/happy meal toys??? i mean good lord it was a hooker! i. kid. you. not. i passed the still-wrapped barbie-size-of-my-toe over to my coworker and was all, yo merry xmas about it, and she unwraps it and informs me that barbie has a name. and it is something really off the wall like He-Hole or something. wow that sounds bad. but seriously. if i spell it phonetically, that's what it was. He-Holl. (that just seems a less crude way to spell it out.) anyway so upon further inspection (after reading the little 'postcard' that she has on her wrist informing us of her name and origin) she's from flippin' CHINA and she's BLONDE. and, uhm, WHITE. some strong anglo genes were comin' thru on that girl. and she's wearing a napkin for a skirt. okay. i'm sorry, but if this was the 'toy' bestowed upon my daughter with her scrumptious and oh-so-nutritious i'm such a kickass mom lunch, i would've thrown that crap ten days from sunday. just sayin'. i don't think 5 yr olds should have to play with american hookers from China.

3) this is off the wall (ha, what isn't that flies outta my mouth) but i'm left-handed and i am just SICK up to my eyeballs of how crappy the world is for us. i mean, really? i have to have my own pair of scissors. bc, yeah, you righties? ya, your scissors kinda suck. please don't take offense. but mine are awesome. also? message pads? uhm HELLO has anyone in the world ever considered the fact that it HURTS LIKE A MOTHER to try and write down a message with that stupid metal spine trying to lodge itself into your pinky finger? and then they have the nerve to tell me i have bad hand writing. "must be bc you're a lefty, huck, huck!" yes. as a matter of fact, is IS bc i'm a lefty. and it's also bc those message pad makers? they're asshats.

4) when i'm stuck in traffic i like to crack the spine on my current love affair (aka, my book) and plunk it down on the steering wheel and read. for some reason, i think this scares the bejesus out of every other roadster bc i have been getting LOOKS lately. you know... the what-the-hell-was-in-her-mcmuffin-cuz-she's-crazy looks. (mcdonalds on the brain. sigh. be still my heart.) i mean, really? you never multi-task while driving, you mascara-rear-window-vixen you? bc if i'm not mistaken, we are at a STANDSTILL and instead of listening to the insipid radio i'm calmly minding my own business, in my OWN CAR, reading my book. does that offend you? oh, so sorry, ms. has to sit on my bumper the entire time as if nudging your front end carefully into my trunk is going to make traffic disappear, but at least i'm entertaining myself. bc i could so totally be honking and i'm sorry.... nobody, and i mean nobody, likes the honker when it's bumper to bumper. there's nowhere to go, buddy. honking is just gettin' us all shades of pissed.

what else. hm. why has it taken me four days to paint my nails? seriously. it's not like i have all that much to do when i get home at night. also, i cleaned the fridge last night. is it totally shameful to admit that i seriously couldn't recognize something i THINK may have been a lemon once-upon-a-time? yeah. it was that. bad. and also took THREE trash bags to haul away all the stuff that i really shouldn't have had in there to begin with. i read somewhere once that mold produces fumes. (duh. i know.) and probably, the reason both my husband and i have been feeling off for the past month or so? yeah... so i think it was totally the fridge. wow. i am being SO open right now, i'm sharing with you my gross fridge story. but do not fret. i scrubbed and scrubbed and now it sparkles and whenever someone comes over i'm totally all "HEY look in here it's so nice aren't i like the best wife ev-ar??"

i'm also addicted to ice breakers wintergreen mints. oh lordy i eat these things for breakfast. seriously. a container of these doesn't last long once i get ahold of it. i once was accused of stealing a container from my boss. (he totally let me have it. promise. swear. girl scouts honor)

another thing i hate more than anything in the entire world? the fact that blogger is being HORRIBLE and just lost half of this post. wtf???? wtf man? why is it ME who has a black dot on her back and everyone is trying to sniper me out of existence??? is it bc i thought to myself as i pressed that oh-so-alluring orange button, crap, should i have saved this first? will it erase it? nah, im good. and yeah. then i jinxed myself and lost probably the BEST PART of the entire post bc i? am an idiot. and tempted fate. sigh. so sorry, all the cleverness that i had spat out onto the screen w/my clicking fingers... is gone. and i have no more left. and i am having a moment of senility bc i cannot, for the life of me, remember what the hell it is that i wrote.

anyway. i would pretend like i'm goin' to go get some work done but since i'm honest and all i'll tell you the truth. i'm goin' to check out all the blogs that have updated since you know the last five minutes or so. don't judge.

censor? me? pshaw

okay!!! so i found this over at http://lofoolery.blogspot.com/ who found thru the comments section of cg's site www.dreamscountrygirl.blogspot.com whom i just ADORE... anyway... so Lo Foolery, she has my name (Lo. uhm. duh. tap tap? hello?) so i linked on over to her and then i found this and so here it is!!! i tag everyone. tag yer it tag! uhm. yeah. still there? so you're supposed to answer these with one word. so. wish me luck. bc i have a big ol' mouth. and i'm just gonna answer these questions w/the first answer that pops in my head. k? k.


1. Where is your cell phone? drawer
2. Where is your significant other? office
3. Your hair color? blonde
4. Your mother? brunette
5. Your father? blonde
6. Your favorite thing? love
7. Your dream last night? forgettable
8. Your dream/goal? freedom
9. The room you're in? office
10. Your hobby? reading!
11. Your fear? heights
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Un-Sad
13. Where were you last night? couch!
14. What you’re not? Republican
15. One of your wish list items? moving
16. Where you grew up? everywhere
17. The last thing you did? type!
18. What are you wearing? slacks
19. Your TV? panasonic
20. Your pet? daisy!
21. Your computer? HP
22. Your mood? unsettled
23. Missing someone? Vlad
24. Your car? black
25. Something you’re not wearing? socks
26. Favorite store? Z Gallerie
27. Your autumn? gold
28. Love someone? Vlad
29. Your favorite color? navy blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? just now
31. Last time you cried? reading cg's blog


now try your hand at it! it is kinda hard. seriously. bc i had like A MILLION TRILLION gazillion (quadrascillion. heh.) words for each answer.

i swear there's pictures in this post, girl scouts honor!

wow. so i suppose i really have no excuse for my total lack of interest in blogging this past week. i am SO SORRY! it isn't so much my 'lack of interest' as i so blatantly claim but more so the realization that life comes at you from all angles and sometimes? it's all you can do to hold onto the seat of your pants and try to stay on the ride. i managed to do that this week but not without sacrifice... as in, i have been totally INEPT at writing any sort of interesting post. completely. oh, trust me, i have left my fair share of comments on OTHER blogs. i've just failed to make any sort of comment on my own. and without going into too much detail... i was dealing w/a tax deadline, then dealing with insane people at work, then dealing with suddenly being sick and having THE headache to end all headaches, leaving work early friday... to be told that we HAVE to make an appearance at our friends house, bc they just finished remodeling their condo. to which i say noooooooo bc i was so tired, so sick, so pathetic and so, so terribly whiny.... but, being the trooper and good friend i am, i went. and watched my husband get just a BIT TOO TIPSY. so i drove home.. at around midnight... with a tipsy person making kind of no sense in the car with me... just to get home and realize wow, i can't sleep, bc i was so petrified of falling asleep on the drive home.

so i parked it on the sofa and read my book. until around 2am. and then went to bed and slept 12 hours and woke up to Vlad coming into the bedroom after he had spent all day at work- and i was still sleeping!! at 2 in the afternoon! goodness, i was tired. and to be honest i can't really tell you what we did then. i THINK we ended up in Schaumburg shopping. and then i KNOW we went back to our friends condo, again, for the second night in a row. to which i played... in... my... FIRST SCRABBLE GAME EVER. and totally won!!!! i am SO the scrabble king. queen. whatev. but i'm now addicted to that game.

then we went home... and Vlad drove this time, not me (bc i drove the night BEFORE and he was tipsy and i wasn't, so, i win) then we went home, watched movies until we both fell asleep.

i know. total crazy 20-somethings, right???

on Sunday we decided to be EXTRA crazy and went with his parents to the sears tower. and yes, i took pictures, and no, you will not be seeing them right now. bc i am at work. i will post more about my weekend happenings when i get a spare moment at home when my computer doesn't hate me and my cat isn't freakin' out and my husband, Vlad, isn't late/running late/needs something/is flippin' out bc something is lost... or a time when i need to make dinner.. or ... yeah. anyway. where was i?

oh yes. the photographer who did my wedding, www.jodigarland.com, is wonderful, and she's putting together my photos right now. one super AWESOME thing she does, however, is she makes a hardbound BOOK for you!! so she emailed me a few pages that she had put together. so of COURSE i am posting them here. :)
first page.... look at this photo!!! SO CUTE. i love the feet!! seriously for some reason this is one of my fav shots of weddings. i adore the bottom-half shot. and then there's Vlad and me downtown!! :)

this is by far my favorite photo that i've seen so far... the Picasso statue downtown Chicago.... the 'dip kiss' photo. I. LOVE. THIS.

this is our ceremony.... to which i have quite a funny story but i will have to post it later, when i'm in the mood to be snarky and sarcastic. lets just say.... we didn't cry thru our ceremony... we LAUGHED. the officiant? uh, uhm, er.... yeah. just wait for that one. (isn't this pretty tho? so much prettier in photos, sad to say. but, i was also just a BIT NERVOUS)

the kiss and our walk down the aisle as husband and wife! (okay i'm allowed to be cheesy!!)

so that's my post. lettin' ya'll know i'm alive and ... well, i'm doin' good NOW but this weekend? PHEW! ROUGH! this week, i have to..... clean out my fridge. that is my big goal. i know, i know, you're all totally jealous and all, but c'mon now..... you know me.... always the life of the party. seriously, tho, it needs to be cleaned, otherwise the next time i go in for some milk the damn thing's gonna sprout legs and leftover chicken and old veggies and something i do not EVEN want to know what it is..was... will come after me, night-of-the-living-dead style. and i will SO not be happy. so. gotta be cleaned.

happy tuesday everyone!!!!!

what chores do ya'll have this week?? does anyone have any hilarious, funny, weird or quirky wedding stories???

so, all of you lucky folks out there who have Columbus Day off..... how i envy thee. i am stuck at work bc i work for an accounting firm. yep, that's right, me, the girl who doesn't even OWN a checkbook bc she thinks it's a waste of paper and doesn't know what the big deal is about 'balancing' the damn thing anyway... who doesn't do her own taxes and makes her husband do them for her... who has worked here for 3 years and STILL doesn't know anything about anything in accounting.

which is okay by me, honestly. i do not WANT to know how to do all this stuff. bc it is BORING. boring i tell you! BOOOORRRRRING!

and so today, bc of October 15th on the horizon, i sit here, stressed out of my little blonde head, wrinkle lines and all and so very jealous of everyone else who gets Columbus Day off. bc Columbus deserves his own day. bc Columbus rocked, yo! Columbus rocks the socks off me. i think he's just terrific. (and he USED to be my ticket to a paid day off too. until i started working for the (devil) an accountant.)

so, instead, i am basically buried up to my neck in (quicksand) 1040s and 1120s's and 1065's and extensions and e file forms and .. and.. messenger service phone calls BEGGING THEM to come back! please come back! take these blasted returns from me so that we can get them to our clients who only gave us all the info YESTERDAY and yet they expected their returns A MONTH AGO bc what do they pay for, exactly? clairvoyance? oh, yeah, sorry, forgot to read your mind across state lines and figure out exactly how many deductions you had this year.

er, uhm... sorry. got distracted.

anyway, my work place is totally wiggin' out. and I'M totally wiggin' out bc of it, and also bc they're all eating McDonalds right next to me and dear sweet jesus it smells like ... like... okay it smells GORGEOUS and TANTALIZING and YUMMY and TUMMY- PLEASING and oh good goodness in the world, i want McDonalds for lunch. sigh.

sorry. sidetracked again. trans fat does that to me.

so this is a quick post bc i know i have SO MANY (1, if i'm lucky) readers and, you know, didn't want you guys to think i bailed. (even tho i did. but just till Wednesday. promise. girl scouts honor.) i will have pictures and updates on my weekend and silly stories and everything.

just a little something to leave you with- this should tell you how tired and exhausted i have been lately- my husband and i were watching Dante's Peak (that should be clue enough that i'm so tired i can't see straight- i actually watched this, start-to-finish swear to god i did. where's my gold star? my medal?) and when the movie ended we were both too (lazy) exhausted to turn it off. so i started 'watching' the credits. yes. you heard me. and you tell ME if these names aren't somewhat funny....

the main characters last names are "Wando." wando? really? why would you INTENTIONALLY use the last name wando?? this was made more funny by the fact that there was a character w/my name, Lauren Wando. i was very sympathetic to the little girl.

then, welcome in "James Cucci." explanation nec.?? i think not. needless to say i was crying, i was laughing so hard.

i guess life is more hilarious when you're exhausted to the point of delirium?

wow i sure am list-y today.

k, so Kat over at www.sunshineandlemonade.blogspot.com is doing a 'get-o-know-you' post. i thought, instead of being oh like everyone else in the world and just COMMENT on her blog, i'm going to strike out and be different and post on MY blog.

these are her questions, and i encourage everyone to answer these bc they're fun:

It's time again for our weekly getting to know you session. And time again for me to wrack my brains for some questions.

Do you like to camp? Or is the Holiday Inn roughing it enough? i like to camp, yes, but only if i have an air mattress, a real pillow and good food. oh, and a car, in case it starts raining. (yeah. cuz that one time two years ago? SO NOT FUN to wake up floating on your air mattress like you're on a raft.)

Do you want to be buried or cremated? i don't want to answer this one. i feel like i'll be jinxing myself.

What is your soap box issue? (Now, don't get on your soap box. I just want to know what issue will send you up there) probably gay marriage, abortion, gun control. now try to guess where i stand on all three! hahaha!

You are going to a costume party. What will you wear? well in real life? probably the halloween costume from two years ago. candy striper. bc it was free, bc i don't have to spend any more money, and bc it's cute. if i had an unlimited budget? probably a sexy pirate done up with garters and a bodice and an old-fashioned gun, a cop, or a flapper.

Tomorrow you MUST change jobs. No more stay at home mom. No more teacher. No more nurse. No more fill in the blank. What new career will you start? ouch. no idea. i would say, go back to school and study ______. that's cheating. i know. but i really don't know what i want to be when i grow up. paralegal? teacher? who knows.

What was the last movie you saw? forgetting sarah marshall. and seriously? take my word for it. FORGET IT. it was SO not all it was cracked up to be.

What one room in your house would you like to re-decorate? KITCHEN!!!! amen.

When you were growing up, did your family decorate for holidays other than Christmas? oh for sure! my mom passed that lovely trait onto me, too. i soooo love craft stores. she is a wreath-makin-MAVEN. seriously.

What is the oldest thing in your house? hm. probably the elephant from my grandfather. he passed away over 10 years ago, and he collected elephant figurines his entire life. his very first one he got when he was 5, when he was still in Denmark. it is one of my most treasured possessions. it's an elephant piggy bank, so to speak, and my grandmother gave it to me when he passed. it means more to me than almost anything. and he is why elephants are my favorite things ev-ar.

Pick one: cruise ship, powerboat, sailboat, rowboat, kayak, or inner tube? sailboat. definitely. bc i LOVE being on the water, and i love how natural it is. have i ever been on one? no. so i may change my tune once i do board one. but my father is a licensed sailing instructor, and he sort of rubbed off on me.

well, i was (am) perusing my favorite blogs of choice this morning, and i fell across http://midlifeslices.wordpress.com/ - she is truly hi-larious and keeps me smiling even tho we may not agree politically (hey now! i know this is a non-political blog but i hadta put SUMTHIN' didn't i??) (just ignore me. most people do.) but we just try to ingore that little tidbit. anywho. go read her! she's fun. i swear. promise. pinky promise. seriously. no joke. i do not lie! (i only lie about really good things. when it matters. ah hell. i totally lie. wait. i take that back. i don't. gotcha! confused?) she did a post about "Top Ten Things That Set my Teeth at Edge". oohhh.... i rubbed my palms together and said, mmmm this is too good to not sink my teeth into. get it? teeth? sink? at edge? uhm. still there? (taptap) hello?

anyway, here's my list.

1) people who are rude. honestly, i cannot stress this enough- how hard is it to be nice to someone? seriously. do you REALLY need to get snarky? okay, okay, if i deserve it? give it to me. but really? coworkers? do they really need to be jerks and mean to everyone? (this is directed at one particular person at my work and while i will not name names, she is... holy hell... the snarkiest and meanest and most UNHAPPY person i've ever come across.)

2) people who think they are above refilling things. plastic silverware drawer, paper towels, toilet paper, ANYTHING like that. it. drives. me. nuts.

3) people who are too cautious while driving. bc really? one-lane road? you're going 20 in a 45? REALLY? are you SERIOUS?

4) when my husband ignores the dishwasher. and sink. oh hell, the whole kitchen. and leaves his plates. covered in ranch dressing. overnight. on the coffee table. (bc he is afraid of the dining room) and i spend my morning scraping it off the plate and then am late to work. bc i cannot deal with old ranch dressing just chillin' on my coffee table. cannot. do it.

5) if you're going to call me? don't hang up bc you have a more important call coming thru at that exact moment. and then call me back, again, just when i've gotten back to doing what i was doing. THAT is annoying.

6) this always happens to me, but why am i always the lucky one who gets behind the person at the grocery store who a) has to bicker about 'this is on sale' and 'this is on sale' when THAT IS THE WRONG FROZEN PIZZA, it is NOT on sale, and after your poor husband runs around trying to PROVE THAT YOU'RE RIGHT, you realize OH WOW its' the pizza NEXT to that pizza! silly me! now i've just lost 7 minutes of my life standing at Piggly Wiggly. joy.

7) also, i am the lucky winner who gets in line behind those refusing to admit it's 2008 and it's okay to pay by debit card. hense, THE CHECK. seriously? is it really THAT important to use a check rather than the debit card? it comes from the same place. amen.

8) the post office. i don't think i need to go into further detail.

9) waiting for pics to upload onto the computer/blog/etc. for some reason, this drives me nuts. bc all i want to do is get them ON THERE and it takes forever. sigh.

10) this one tops the charts. my husband is from Russia. he imigrated here when he was 9 years old. so, obviously, his entire family speaks Russian. unfortunately, the second we sit down to dinner, the ENTIRE CONVERSATION is in Russian. to the point i have to keep asking my husband to translate for me. his response? "i have no idea what they're saying. i don't pay attention to them. your'e better off not speaking Russian." wow, love-of-my-life, soulmate-for-ever, thanks so much for that translation. it totally helped me understand that joke you JUST LAUGHED AT.