should i pry my ass off the couch yet? ya think?

so, long story short, today we were supposed to spread my grandmas ashes. she requested no funeral, to be cremated, and her organs (as many as survived.... in all honesty, after her smoking for 40+ years and drinking just as much, lord knows what they salvaged ((i'm going to hell for saying salvaged)) but at least they were able to help someone out there) to be donated. so, bc of that, we aren't getting her ashes today. we were planning on going to the cemetary and putting half on my grandpas grave (illegal, yes, but hello? my family? this is hardly anything, especially since she always wanted to be with her husband in death. it's the least i can do to bend the rules, justhisonce. or. whatevah.) and half in the forest she used to play in as a kid. her favorite place, where she grew up.

where was a going? typical lauren fashion, i'm side-tracked once again. sigh.

anyway. so. turns out, bc she donated organs, (go g-ma) her ashes aren't going to be 'ready' (how morbid is that?) until this weekend. my aunt (my grandmas daughter) has to go back to florida, where she lives. she already extended her stay.

so, we decided, we will put her ashes in an urn and wait until my aunt comes back up to spread them. i'm thinking we should do it next year on their wedding anniversary, but it's also my uncle's bday so... that may be too upsetting for him. but. just an idea. in a year from now.

so meanwhile, i have no job and before i was excited and now i'm sort of freaking out. i know it's hard to get a job right now, which is okay, but... even tho i haven't REALLY tried i got rejected from a city commerce job that kind of made me take a blow to my self-esteeem. but. it is what it is. i'm still trying to figure out what i'm going to do this fall, for school, how i'm going to pay for it and what classes i can take toward a degree that's going to ultimately benefit me longterm.

my brain is exploding!!!!!!


just curious, what do ya'll do ??? what do you do for work? or what do you do during your day if you DON'T work??? i'm just curious. i know not a lot of people read this, but those that do, i'm curious about what you do and how you do it. consider it, blog-in-reverse.


if you ever want to ask me any questions, too, please!!!!!! feel free. i'm an open, cracked-spine book. ask anyone.


so, tomorrow, i am going to start posting pictures of my trip to florida. FINALLY.

i missed you guys. i thought about closing this down. then i thought, i'm no pioneer woman. i'm no.... big name on the intronet. but i can put my say on my small space and be who i am.

let's just give good wishes, tonight, to my grandma, phyllis, who donated organs and helped an anyonymous person out there.

i'm sure she's lookin down toasting her old style, sayin, of course i did. what kind of person do you think i am???? ................... gimme a beer whydoncha.

so i said i needed a stoning, and yet, please don't pelt me yet. pretty please?

so i joked (seemingly uncharacteristic, right? har. har.) about posting this, well, post. i just don't know what to do with this anymore. and yet i decided, despite who reads it and who doesn't, who in my real life has discovered this wonderful outlet, well....


okay. so. picture me, in the hospital, visiting my grandmother for three days. three. long. days.

can i re-iterate? is that how you properly spell it? grammar is my strong point and yet i make a faux pas. forgive. forgive.


so i thought about not posting. then i thought more about it. sorry, if i'm 'all over the page', but truly? i'm confused.


my grandmother died yesterday.


you'd think that i had a HUGE relationship with her, right? for the fact that i drove all over sunday to get to her, to see her intubated, to cry with my aunt who is more like my sister than i can ever say- to the point that i call her daughter my neice, and she is my sister- you'd think i had a great connection.


point is, i didn't. i spoke, freely, openly, about how i despised the fact that she was slowly killing herself. that she gave up on life at only 40 and decided to enable her son to be a deadbeat. i spoke out, a lot, about how i hated what she did. how she chain smoked and drank tall boys out of plastic glasses so that no one would notice.

ha. we ALL noticed.


i went on, and on, and on, about how i hated it, how i hated that she threw away life.


did i mention that she had five children? my mother is the eldest of five. she was first, then her brother who, ....well, i'm being honest as hell here so really? my uncle is just a drug addict. then move on the next one, the next uncle, the one that enabled my grandmother (tho she could always speak for herself) to become a drunk and a failure.


failure. what a nasty, nasty word, isn't it funny that i'm still negative? i'm still judging?


shame on me.


so then came angie, and i love that girl more than the world. she's more like my sister than an aunt. she's just a few years older than i am and i love her more than i could ever articulate.

then there's joey, he's the youngest, and i love him like a brother.

our family? yeah. we're a little skewed. but would life give me anything else? if not skewed?

where was i going?



point is, the shocking thing is... i am broken up. i am sad. i am crying at a moments notice and remembering my grandma and it's like a shock thru my entire system. okay, grandmas die. PEOPLE die. it's what we do. but..

still, i saw her, or, i should say i saw her body. after she passed. died. left. retired. ran off. i saw her. i saw her, in the hospital bed, i saw her, and i can tell you right now that it left a crater in my heart. i don't know why i'm posting this, except maybe, it'll help.

i miss her . and the most pissed off thing about this is, i never told her. i. never. told. her.

i haven't said i love you to my grandma in years, bc i felt resentment, anger, whatever. and i know she understands, but yet, what would it have taken from me? to say, HEY, i love you? yo, granmoms, i love you?

nothing. it would have taken, nothing, from me.


and to see her, dead, ........ dead takes on a whole new meaning.


i am upset, sad, regretful, shameful.


i love you, phyllis, i loved you. i'm sorry i never added up to a very good grandkid, but i loved you.



i hope you and grandpa are having a great, super, amazing party up there. you deserve it. and to all of you? i'm sorry that i haven't written. it is more out of shame than anything else.

phyllis skroko, june 20th, 2009.
you will be missed.

aren't i a total slacker? don't i deserve a stoning? i know.

so.



i TOTALLY deserve some nasty comments, cuz i've been m.i.a. for waaaaaaaaaay too long. truth is, i've been coming off of three weeks in florida and honestly? the pictures to download, upload, import, enter, has me in a tither. a big bother. i'm overwhelmed. i cleaned the house top to bottom yesterday, including the fridge AND freezer mind you, which, hellllooooo is a task to be given to people who are PAID to do it bc really? oh, lawsie, i thought i had what it took and i guess i did but really? in the end? i'm still winded.


could be the HUGE ASS CANDLE that landed on my right foot while i was scrubbing the bathtub and cleaning the floor on my knees. could be.

nah. my husband thinks it's 'no big deal'. well, the welt on my foot?

if i could give two shits about taking a pic of it? i would. but really? why would i subject ya'll to that madness? that gross ness? bc really, it's black and blue and swollen and as my husband said when i sent him a photo of my right foot via camera phone, 'your feet look huge. lol.'

wow. thanks. babe. that makes me feel SOOOO much better.



meanwhile, i wanted to let ya'll know i'm alive, and i'm here, i'm reading, i'm catching up, i've just been traveling for too long to really get ahold of online life. i know. business men do it all the time but i'd love to see how interesting THEIR blogs are, right??

.......right? eep.


anyway. look forward to pics when i get around to uploading them tomorrow. i went out on the ocean on a catamaran, my most favorite part of all..... i stayed up late, drank too much, (sorry folks, but it's true) had a fabulous time with the kids and just lived it up in florida.


although, you floridians? can take your 100 degree weather. anytime. that was wicked hot, yo. wicked.


stay tuned!