Sunday, June 21, 2009

so i said i needed a stoning, and yet, please don't pelt me yet. pretty please?

so i joked (seemingly uncharacteristic, right? har. har.) about posting this, well, post. i just don't know what to do with this anymore. and yet i decided, despite who reads it and who doesn't, who in my real life has discovered this wonderful outlet, well....

okay. so. picture me, in the hospital, visiting my grandmother for three days. three. long. days.

can i re-iterate? is that how you properly spell it? grammar is my strong point and yet i make a faux pas. forgive. forgive.

so i thought about not posting. then i thought more about it. sorry, if i'm 'all over the page', but truly? i'm confused.

my grandmother died yesterday.

you'd think that i had a HUGE relationship with her, right? for the fact that i drove all over sunday to get to her, to see her intubated, to cry with my aunt who is more like my sister than i can ever say- to the point that i call her daughter my neice, and she is my sister- you'd think i had a great connection.

point is, i didn't. i spoke, freely, openly, about how i despised the fact that she was slowly killing herself. that she gave up on life at only 40 and decided to enable her son to be a deadbeat. i spoke out, a lot, about how i hated what she did. how she chain smoked and drank tall boys out of plastic glasses so that no one would notice.

ha. we ALL noticed.

i went on, and on, and on, about how i hated it, how i hated that she threw away life.

did i mention that she had five children? my mother is the eldest of five. she was first, then her brother who, ....well, i'm being honest as hell here so really? my uncle is just a drug addict. then move on the next one, the next uncle, the one that enabled my grandmother (tho she could always speak for herself) to become a drunk and a failure.

failure. what a nasty, nasty word, isn't it funny that i'm still negative? i'm still judging?

shame on me.

so then came angie, and i love that girl more than the world. she's more like my sister than an aunt. she's just a few years older than i am and i love her more than i could ever articulate.

then there's joey, he's the youngest, and i love him like a brother.

our family? yeah. we're a little skewed. but would life give me anything else? if not skewed?

where was i going?

point is, the shocking thing is... i am broken up. i am sad. i am crying at a moments notice and remembering my grandma and it's like a shock thru my entire system. okay, grandmas die. PEOPLE die. it's what we do. but..

still, i saw her, or, i should say i saw her body. after she passed. died. left. retired. ran off. i saw her. i saw her, in the hospital bed, i saw her, and i can tell you right now that it left a crater in my heart. i don't know why i'm posting this, except maybe, it'll help.

i miss her . and the most pissed off thing about this is, i never told her. i. never. told. her.

i haven't said i love you to my grandma in years, bc i felt resentment, anger, whatever. and i know she understands, but yet, what would it have taken from me? to say, HEY, i love you? yo, granmoms, i love you?

nothing. it would have taken, nothing, from me.

and to see her, dead, ........ dead takes on a whole new meaning.

i am upset, sad, regretful, shameful.

i love you, phyllis, i loved you. i'm sorry i never added up to a very good grandkid, but i loved you.

i hope you and grandpa are having a great, super, amazing party up there. you deserve it. and to all of you? i'm sorry that i haven't written. it is more out of shame than anything else.

phyllis skroko, june 20th, 2009.
you will be missed.


Iva said...

I am so sorry. I am in tears. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. I am sure your grandmother knew you loved her. Things happen, we don't always do the right thing, but we learn,and those who love, us, and we love back, forgive us....even when we do not say 'I love you' enough. Rest. This will take time. Your heart is hurt, you are tired,and you should feel each emotion as it comes. Only time will help you. I am so very sorry.

Mom said...

Ahh, we love you Lor and are all guilty of the same. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Everyone else...hug your Mom.

Marchelle said...

it's good that you admit how you feel and to get it out there.

there are lots of us who have those feelings about people in our lives and we do get angry with them when they're self-destructive! but don't have regrets...i'm sure just your being there with her in her last day, she knew how you really felt. because you didn't have to be there, you know.

Linda said...

Oh Mei Mei! I'm so sorry. And I do know how you're feeling. You're angry & upset because you miss what COULD have been. The relationship you could have had, had things been different. Had she cared enough about herself, loved herself. Use this knowledge. Remember to ALWAYS love yourself and you and everyone around you, will be happy.

MeMe said...

Wow, girl. You have had a major life shake-up.

Sorry to hear that your Grandma has passed. I was not close to my grandmother, but I was very close to my grandfather. And when he passed? Yeah, I went through a whole mess of emotions.

It is how we process. How we deal.

I keep thinking about why he didn't fight harder {he found out he had lung cancer and chose not to fight}....then I realized, he missed my grandmother. She passed years before him. I think the cancer gave him an out, a way to leave to be with his wife, w/out any negative judgment.

I have never written or spoke about him before. I miss him everyday. It does get easier, but it takes time.

That is what you need now. Time.

Time to deal with your emotions. The best thing is, no one can tell you how much time to take. That is all up to you. If you feel the need to blog about, do it. It is your blog, after all. And it can be very good therapy.

Remember I am just an email away if you want to talk/vent whatever.

Jenn said...

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. I hope you can find peace.....because you still deserve it. And I still love you. We can't MAKE people be healthier. I wish SO BADLY that we could. Don't be so hard on yourself though.

Amber said...

I'm so sorry, love :-( It's never easy to lose family. They're a very real part of who we are. This is a wake-up call for me because I have family members I'm blocking out for similar reasons but I know I would die if I ever lost them. You and your family are in my prayers. Blog/vent/cry/scream, do whatever you need to feel better. Hugs!