Thursday, September 18, 2008

all sorts of snarkish behavior (or a.k.a. my date with mr. cop-badge-man)

this morning started out lovely. as in, i woke up NOT feeling like a truck had run me over. i could see the sun rising just behind the roof of another house from my bedroom window, my husband was next to me and we were languidly enjoying the few spare moments we get to indulge in doing nothing for the one and only portion of our day. it was nice and cool and crisp outside of the covers and i was snuggled down deep with my favorite blankie (hey don't knock me, i love that damn thing) and all was right with the world. i got ready, found a pair of killer BCBG slacks i had forgotten about for a year and was going to wear them to work. i looked good. good hair day.

and i wasn't running late. key word here.

so i get downstairs, get my stuff together, make a pb&j for the car since we're out of bagels and i desperately need carbs in the morning, open the fridge and discover YES! i have a vitamin water i totally forgot about. everything was right in the world.

(okay. this is a detour bc you must understand where i live. i live in a suburb of a major city. far north. some people say it's 'hickville' etc but really, honestly, i swear to you, where i live? yeah. we bathe. i promise i smell good and have nice hair. anyway, they decide in their idiotic minds to do construction on the street that leads out of my sub division.... and they decide to do it for two. entire. BLOCKS. and they don't do it fast. no, no, my dear friends, they do things s.l.o.w. bc out here? you're lucky that you've got a union job and damn if they're going to let us tax payers have any say whatsoever about not popping tires on that damn iron gates of hell slab they have thrown down over that enormous freakin' hole in the middle of the street. and another thing? i think they get kicks outta watchin' us hard-working suckers try to navigate over all that rocky terrain like we're matthew mcconaughey and are all ripped and muscled and you know, coordinated and stuff. bc me? i am not to be trusted on this street. it is TERRIBLE. let me say it again so you get the full effect of just how ridiculous this whole 'replace the pipes' project is. it adds another ten minutes onto my daily commute just so i get the absolute thrill of detouring all over the frickin' town just so i can get home. the whole point of this is to tell you, my friends, that the detour i take spits me out and makes me sort of do a half-circle instead of taking the normal straight-and-arrow road to the highway in the morning, but it works, and it's faster then sitting in that stupid traffic. i now have a hatred of 'stop' and 'slow' flippy signs. who made them god??)

i pull out in the morning chomping on my sandwich, listening to the morning radio, they're doing a segment on 'i'm happy that...' and then people were calling in telling everyone why they were happy. corny? yes. hilarious and wonderfully uplifting? you betcha. so i'm drivin' along, i stop at the red light, then i accelerate. and it's about, oh, a 40 mph zone, and yes my friends, i admit, i do speed. yes. to work in the morning, i do up it a bit and this particular morning i was driving probably 50. i was fluctuating between 45-50 and a little over 50. bc. you know.

no human drives EXACTLY the speed limit ALL THE TIME. only if you're desperately trying to stay at exactly 40 does that ever happen.

anyway. all of a sudden, i see a cop car going in the opposite direction of me. and what does he do? well, i'm sure you've guessed it. he pops a U-turn and gets right behind me. i can tell he's running my plates. i can tell, no- i know this is it for me. i know i'm getting pulled over. i can FEEL it in my bones. i start to sweat a little. i start to get nervous. i'm all, 'o crap, is my seatbelt on? check. both hands on the wheel? check.' and then it happens.

oh, yes. i was pulled over. and not only was i pulled over, i also had the wonderful bestest oh-you-sneaky-god-you cop ever in the whole widest WORLD! (that was sarcasm.) he was just so lovely when he came up to my window and demanded my license. okay, i get that part. the eye rolling? nu-huh. but do i say anything? no. this man holds the fate of my driving career in his hands. so he toddles off. comes back after i've completely had a panic attack and can feel tears prickling my eyes bc me? i don't handle stress well. at. all. i cry. i cry when i'm mad, sad, frustrated, anyoftheabove. so needless to say i was trying to hold it in as best i could.

and then, he YELLS at me, and says, 'you wanna tell me why you were going 70 in a 40??' and my response is, (wait, i know it's stellar) 'Oh my god!!!' and i was going to finish that great one up with 'i had no idea!!' when he snaps at me, tells me i'm irresponsible, and then continues to berate me for my lack of responsibility when he tells me that a)my plates are expired (yes, sir, i know, i sent in for the sticker last week ti hasn't come yet) b) my license has the wrong address (yes, sir, i know, all of my mail is forwarded to my grandmothers bc of school [she has a city address. plus it's the best i.d. picture, EVER.]) and c)well you know that your license is now INVALID BC YOU HAVE THE WRONG ADDRESS. (uhm, hello? anyone? this is bs and i know it.) so at this point, i'm like, okay, mr. cop-badge-man has it out for me, for whatever reason. bc now he's just throwing things around. he writes me a ticket for going 30mph OVER THE LIMIT. which, my friends, is where i have the problem, bc... i know how fast i was going... i'm not insane and i'm no dare devil. i was in a car crash last year that broke my hand and scared the pants off me and now i am cautious about speeding. well. i do it. but not THAT bad. i know i was going between 8-12 mph OVER the limit, not 30!!!

so now i'm facing... the fact that my license is gone and i have a measly ticket in it's place until i go to court.. and oh yes, i have traffic court... at a date to be decided.. so i can't even tell my work yet what morning i need off for THAT wonderful little party... and i have a fine. and the scary thing is? 30 mph is serious. and when i said, 'sir, i apologize, but i am positive that i wasn't going anywhere near 70, or even 60 for that matter. how is it you concluded 70?' and he replies, rolling his eyes and sighing at me like i'm five... 'uhm, i have a thing called RADAR. you were going 70mph. have a nice day.' and walks away.

wow. now let me just say that this whole incident? totally ruined my day. like, totally. being late to work bc of said accident, realizing i forgot my really good book-at-the-moment at home so i had to read a crappy book at lunch, totally flaking out on a lunch that my boss had to go to and was my responsibility to get him out the door to? yeah, those things didn't help it too much either.

say hello to your new criminal, who obviously developed a death wish overnight along w/a lead foot.


Tanya said...

Wow, that is stressful!! I'd be crying and shaking and definitely wouldn't have been as cool and calm as you. Sorry you had to go through that!

Midlife Slices said...

Man, you had a really bad day and another one to come.....when you go to court. Plead not guilty, but then you'll have to go back and just hope the cop is too busy to show up. I will cost you court costs only. How do I know this? Hmm...well, o.k. so I might have done this same thing...or someone might have told me. I'm not telling which.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Oooooooohh! You got pulled over by an asshole. I think we need to get him Mr. Classy's t-shirt. I have a feeling he'd love it!