so. today has been ,unfortunately, a day for pity. for myself. all for me. no one else. cuz i'm selfish like that, yo.
anyway. the whole morning started out GREAT. i woke up great, straightened my hair and that went great, my mascara and bronzer procedure went great, i found a pair of pants i forgot looked good on me so that was great.... i paired a necklace w/a new shirt and that was great. making good instant coffee (which is hard trust me) was super great, as was my drive in on the congested horrible construction-prone highway- even that was- wait for it- yes, great, bc it only took me about 40 minutes instead of an hour.
so all in all i was, ya know, you guessed it- great. and then i realized what a great big pessimist i am, and how much i absolutely despise that about myself. if there was one thing in the world that i wish i could change about my personality, it would be that.
ok. well that's a lie. i mean, i'd get like, four wishes, right? and that's not even counting wishes for my physical self. ahem. anyway.
i've always been a tad on the negative side. i don't know why. i grew up an only child, my father wasn't around much bc he was military so it was mostly me, on my own, or my mom and me. who treated me, thankfully, as a person not a my-brain-is-the-size-of-a-pea child. she treated me with respect. that also has it's downsides, as i am constantly reminded of how grounded in reality i am.
don't get me wrong. i love me some fantasy (orson scott card is amazing in my eyes for writing enders game) and all of that... but when it comes to me, personally? yep. total pessimist here. just slap the ol' empty glass name tag crap on me and call it a day. bc me? today? i tried so freakin hard to have a good day.
not a good day, no but in fact a great day! i had caffeine! i had actual work to do at work (what a concept) and not just busy work. i had new updated blogs to read. i had reserved the new sex and the city movie at redbox so i could watch that later. i had one disc left to the Heroes first season marathon. i was going to be GREAT today. i told myself that. over and over.
'today is great. see? you feel great. you look great. it's great. all of it's great.'
and then a coworker gave me a couple slices of a sushi roll and i was all, yum, this tuna is frickin' great! and then i was like, o man, i'm totally gonna follow my diet. i'm going to drink green tea at lunch bc i'm full from the small teeny sushi i ate. great!
and i read my book at lunch, which is GREAT. and towards the end i started to feel my edges wearing down. something started leaking into (out of?) me, and the small teeny tiny voice in my head said, 'yeah, what's so great about that?' and i didn't know what to say except, well....
i don't know. it just is. and so started my downward spiral into NOW, where i'm just a sad little indian who pouts and feels pathetic and lonely and chubby and not pretty or sexy at all. and feels notsosmart bc i'm still stuck in this dead end job where no one appreciates me. and i'm two sizes OVER what i'm comfortable being all bc of that damn place called dominos and how pathetic am i, that i can't resist a freakin' cheese pizza??? oh lordy.
it was all downhill from lunch. and i debated w/myself over making a post bc i thought, what's the point? who wants to read about pathetic ol' me? or pathetic ol' me bitchin' nonstop when i should be so frickin thankful for what i have??
and then i said, screw it, it's my blog after all. and let's face it, i needed to get it down on (virtual) paper so that i could see just how moronic and wasteful feeling like this is.
bc something i've realized in the past half hour is, okay, maybe i'm not frickin GREAT all the time but you know what? most of the time, i'm pretty damn good.
and right now? that's enough for me.