i'm so done i'm overcooked and fried

today i woke up and said, enough bitching, moaning and otherwise givin up on my life. i can't hide under the 'scuse that my job sucks donkey kong. i can't hide under the fact that my husband works insane hours so OBVIOUSLY this entitles me to have a glass of wine and lay on the couch and do nothing.

yeah............. haven't been so motivated as of late.

but i want to change that. my life right now is a rut. a big sewage rut. involving me flailin around trying to grab onto anything i can and just ending up covering myself in crap. not a good thing.

so i'm un-craptifying my life. starting with caring so much about this damn job. i mean, i'm quitting in little over a month. all of the stupid, gossipy, nightmare-instilling shit that happens here? why should i take it home with me? i'm just going to try and let it roll off of my back from now on. why should i care about this stupid drama? it's twisting me up and slashing me into someone i don't want to be... so... why drag all that stupid nonsense around with me? enough. i'm done.

so, i'm also going to start taking better care of myself. because my job sucks the big one, i've let myself go and sort of (as in always) figure putting on sweats and hiding under a pile of blankets on the couch and eating a microwave meal is a good idea. well. it's not. i want to feel in shape, i want to feel pretty, i want to feel wanted and loved and proud of myself and not always feel like i'm compensating or workin with half a tank. i want a full tank. i want to wake up every morning and instead of instantly pullin on my clothes asap, bc i want to just getonwithitalready, i want to enjoy my day. enjoy my morning. smile at the idea of getting up.

since i started this job, it's slowly snaked it's way thru my life and turned it upside down. i couldn't quit, bc my husband had started a new business and while he never asked for money, i knew there was the prospect that it could tank. sorry. just bein' honest. so i kept my 'regular paycheck' bc i was scared.

but scared doesn't get you anywhere. in fact scared just forces you down into the mud. tries to drown you. rattlesnake you. kill you. i don't want to drown in corporate life. i'm only 24. i want to live, to explore, to discover, to smell, to taste feel experience, maybe get burned but get right back up again, travel and see.

i don't want to come home every night and be depressed, exhausted, mentally drained from sitting at a desk for ten hours with no compensation whatsoever beyond some measly paycheck and a 401k that i never ever ever should have started in the first place.

in fact, i need to talk to my doctor about my meds, but i'm so busy, that i forget to do that. see how upside down i am?

i went tanning yesterday for the first time in ages. i felt SO. GOOD. afterwards. and yes, i know, i know, the hazards of tanning beds etc etc..... i know.... i know. i just..... i feel soooo much better when i tan. something to do with the light and the warmth and then being nice and brown, my mood instantly lifts. it makes me want to do my nails, my hair, use the nice smelly lotion and not the easy fast vaseline intensive care, it makes me want to put on a cute tracksuit instead of the disney sweats from four years ago.

it makes me feel human. pretty. feminine.

so i'm going to do more stuff like that. like tonight, i'm going to give myself a manicure and pedicure. i'm going to take a long shower, exfoliate, moisturize and relax. i'm going to eat a good dinner. watch a movie in bed.

i'm so tired of being tired, run down, apathetic, just giving up. i'm 24 but feel like i'm a trillion years older. i never DO anything anymore, i never GO anywhere, never SEE anything.

i can't wait to free myself from this job, to never have to see these negative people again, to wake up and smile and think I AM FREE.

i never knew that a job could suck the life outta someone. but it can. but not any longer. i wash my hands of job suckage.

should i paint my nails black or red? hmmm.... the big questions of life..........