SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, SUCCESS! pure, sweet, blissful, punch-your-fist-in-the-air SUCCESS!!!!!

here, folks, here.... THIS is my halloween costume. behold the beauty of my two-day hunt for best-costume-EV-AR!!!!

okay. first, we'll start at the feet. these are the boots that i bought online from www.gojane.com, an affordable albeit somewhat iffy place to buy from- bc you never can tell what the quality is going to be since it's .. online. BUT. while these boots weren't AS amazing in person, they're still a great buy for $49.99. i mean, hello, they're OVER THE KNEE BOOTS. and they'll look gorgeous in winter, when i WANT to wear boots all the way up-to-there bc it's freezin', yo!


and in winters in Chicago, you SO don't want to spend more than $80 on boots. period. bc the salt? yeah. it's gonna getcha.

next up is the dress, that i also bought from www.gojane.com for $33.99. i think. i think that's what it was. pretty sure. now, i originally bought it bc i wanted.. well... am STILL wanting... a sexy BUT MODEST dress for New Years Eve. bc every year, it is inevitable, i am the poor sad sop who's running from store to store trying to find a dress that isn't too expensive but is super nice. every year, i am disappointed in my outfit. not this year, my friends. not this year.

however, this dress is less... dressy... then i anticipated. but! it works PERFECTLY for a vampiress. don't you agree? (humor me, folks.) anyway, it zips up the front, isn't too short, and is form fitting but in a tasteful way. i love it. i know i'm going to wear this puppy into the ground this winter bc i love it so. (and also bc it won't be in season come February. fashion is a fickle mistress.)

next are the GLOVES that i couldn't resist. i mean, really? c'mon now. aren't they fun?? and they'll keep some parts of my arms warm (well i hope.) and they're fun and frivolous and only cost $2.99. i mean, c'mon! who wouldn't! (you? really? oh. nevermind then.)

i'm going to Walgreens after work to buy ridiculously long black nails. that spells FUN!! in my book. then i went over the top. i dove in. i did what i said i would do (SHOCKING I KNOW) and i bought....

..................THE WIG!!! yes, i bought it, i am so excited, i am SO DOING MY MAKEUP LIKE HERS, we're totally bff's now, yay! uhm. got a little excited. but yes. this is my costume!!

and it cost me.... about $30 dollars for the halloween stuff that goes in the will-probably-never-wear-again catagory. but since i'm wearing this tonight AND tomorrow i thought, money well spent. also, the dress and boots i bought ANYWAY so that's not technically an expense. so i win. I WIN!

yeah. except for that $65 or so dollars from Target... but i'm returning that. PLUS got a great flannel shirt outta that trip. all in all, i am very satisfied.

and now all i wanna do is play DRESS UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay Halloween!!!!!!

apologies, rants, and a little goofy all in one

so while i totally just waved that promise of I WILL TAKE PHOTOS in your faces like it was free bread day in russia circa 1972, i totalllllly lied.

i am so, so sorry.

fact of the matter is, i went EVERYWHERE last night. okay. three stores. but oh lordy, it felt like i was on the quest. for the grail. indie style. thats indiana jones. for you people who aren't schooled in all things action adventure. anyway.

so after work i was all 'let's totally go shopping! at the halloween store! bc is SO TOTALLY won't be busy!' yeah. i'm so glutton for punishment. so i roll up, all excited, i had a pretty good day, i'm stoked, i'm TOTALLY convinced i'm gonna score big. thinking cop, vampire, something cooky, anything really, size small and please not cheap looking. (or ho-ish. that would be bad.)

yeah. didn't think that all of the high schoolers... would be there... i swear. i felt .... OLD. i think this is the first time that i've actually realized how BEYOND that age group i am. i've always identified with the younger crowd, somewhat, i mean in the fact that i still LOOK like i'm in high school. but last night? i was wearing my work clothes(black slacks black heels black cropped pea coat) and yeah... i looked... MY. AGE. it was scary. and not bc of the scary costumes. but bc i finally felt like a 24 yr old. yeah. THAT was a shocker.

moving on. so all these yippy girls are self-consciously trying to buy sexy costumes that they're totally goin' to rock tomorrow night but TOTALLY don't want so-and-so to see bc they totally don't like them and yah, totally, like, oh mah gawd these are HAWT! like, totally. like, paris like TOTALLY rocked this last year yo! oh, MAH gawd, i am, like, SO getting this. bc this? is, like, SO HAWT. yeah. and then see me, high-tailin' it outta there bc if i heard one more reference to paris or nicole or heidi i was goin' to vomit. fo sho.

so then like a good little girl who likes to be tortured, i went next door to the Party City. and this. my friends. was MADNESS. i swear. where i thought the teenage boys checkin' me out and the verbal lashing from 15-yr-old pubescent girls was bad?

ooohhh, ho ho, my friends, you have not met.... the mother of three who has not yet bought costumes. she is a viscous beast. she will beat you down with her 40 lb. coach bag with no hesitation whatsoever if you so much as LOOK at that flapper costume bc her 14yr old is SO GONNA BE HER!

it was scary. i was scared. literally. for my life. after i dodged all sorts of obstacles i managed to get out of there with only my hair suffering. yeah. my neat ponytail bouffant styled thingie i had goin' on? yeah. TOTALLY gone by that point.

so now i am really, really desperate. i decide, hey, Target! bc they have school uniforms, right? i could be a school girl, right? and cheap! right? ....right? WRONG! dude. when did Target get so expensive???!?!!?! seriously!! i was like DAY-YUM i better not have kids anytime soon! bc i'd have to tap my 401(k) just to be able to afford this pleated mini skirt that is supposed to be on sale but totally isn't!

yeah. i left with stuff that i'm definitely returning next week when this craze dies down.

so. after i got home i desperately tried to put things together and in my haste i totally forgot photos. so. this is me hanging my head in shame. me so sorry. me love you long time.

so this is where i'm at. i had bought clothes online and they miraculously came in yesterday. in this box, i have over-the-knee boots that are SCANDALOUS but soooo much fun... and a tight black dress.

okay. so blogger totally sucks and is not uploading pictures!!! why!!!! oh the humanity!!!!

so just picture a black dress, above knee, form-fitting but still not slutty. i figure at lunch today i am going to hit up ... yes... you guessed it... THE HALLOWEEN STORE bc i figure all those teeny boppers (did i just say that?? with a straight face?? oh no i AM old!!) will be in school. so i'll only have to battle the moms. which are scarier. but. this store is bigger then party city. so. i'm figuring my odds will even out.

so my plan of attack is this. i am going to try to find a wig. something like this you see below:

yes, THIS PICTURE loaded bc, well, i have no idea. bc it was karma. or fate. or i dunno. the right size maybe? anyway.

so i figure a wig like this- in either this cool red color, or in black- and some fangs and BAM! i'm a sexy vamp. does this work? i think so. i think it'll be okay.

and if this doesn't work? then i'm going for devil. and if i can't find the wig? then i'm going as Claire Bennett. bc i have the costume already. i just need to find some killer knee high socks to top it off.

sorry to all of the other GREAT FANTASTIC responses i got!!! but the mob idea? yeah. THAT one was soooooo much better in my head. sigh. that was a disaster last night.

oh, and i also have ANOTHER backup. Jessica Simpson (bc i can't find a cowboy hat in Illinois in October. sad. i know.). i have a denim skirt, these really super duper great cowboy boots by BCBG that are knee-high... and i bought a cute little boys plaid button up last night (which i'm going to keep no matter what bc it was 10 dollars, it's warm and it's oh so cute!!) and when i wear it with my hair down? i could pass for her. just give me some lip gloss and i'll wear my padded bra and off i go, baby!


and yes. all of these costumes will be presented before my husband, and he will be the one to tell me which one i wear. bc i? am SO not good at making decisions. and... i also want to make sure you can't see my undies when i turn around. bc that happened two years ago when i was a candy striper. and yeah. had to walk behind everyone and go up the stairs behind everyone. Vlad was not pleased. nor was my poor frozen tush.

and i PROMISE i will upload pictures from tonight and put them up tomorrow. bc i totally owe you guys. bc i lied. i am such a bad blogger! me so sorry. (meloveyoulongtime.)

some ranting, and then the good juicy stuff: photos and HELP!

so, this week has been somewhat of a challenge. i have refrained from posting bc i am trying my best to stay positive and happy, and posting something uber-snarky (and not at all funny) would defeat the purpose.

today i finally feel that i'm able to laugh at this past week, instead of pound my head against the wall and weep.

it's not as if anything catastrophic has happened. i just started the week cranky. Vlad and i were both out of sorts, so of course, we were bickering and just nit-picky over ridiculous things that honestly, now that it's Thursday, i really couldn't tell you what was so important on Monday that caused us to have a spat.

although, locking myself out of the house yesterday morning? yeah. that one sucked.

Vlad usually starts my car in the morning (since it's COLD COLD COLD here in Illinois) unless he's leaving god-awful early. Yesterday he called upstairs to me if he should start it- i said, 'i guess... well... yeah okay' and assumed he had. i go about getting ready.. having a great morning so far, i like my outfit, my hair is somewhat okay, i'm running a little early which is good bc i was LATE on Tuesday... so finally i'm all buttoned-up and ready to go. assuming he has started my car, this means my keys are in the car. (duh) so i just lock the door manually and close it.

yeah. as soon as it closes i have an 'oh,shit' moment bc i don't hear my car running in the driveway. praying, HOPING i am wrong, i peek around the corner and sure enough... it's off. crap. i try to open the garage, but of course, our code opener is broken (it sits on the outside of the garage on the side of the house to manually open) and has been broken since 7 months ago. crap. so i go to the front door, hoping that i didn't close it all the way.... but i did. of course. and it's, like, 27 degrees outside. i'm wearing heels. no socks. a light jacket- bc i was thinking i was going four feet to my car.

i call Vlad. he gets pissed, says he can't come get me. says he'll figure it out. in the meantime i hoof it two streets over to my sister-in-laws house, bc i know the code to her garage (and her code opener WORKS, imagine that) and let myself in, only to shock my niece(in law)bc she's about to walk the dogs. so we hang out, watch some Sabrina the Teenage Witch and chill until my father-in-law comes to haul my sorry ass to work.

yeah. about an hour later, i am officially tragically late to work.. bc i was a moron.. bc of a misunderstanding with Vlad.. and was subjected to an hour of RUSSIAN TALK RADIO along with him almost hitting other cars and veering into other lanes bc he JUST MUST right this SECOND show me, IN DETAIL, acting it out, how he types "i use one finger! one! ahahaha! SEE? like ziis!! get it? one! bwahahaha!' bc everything is funny to him and half the time i don't understand what the hell he's sayin' bc he's, well, you know, RUSSIAN. sigh. love the man but... after an hour of that... sigh. and he doesn't believe in using the heater. so i froze my butt off until i got to work.

just to have a craptastic day. and then had to wait for Vlad to pick me up from work... and then had to sit in the car while he was at his accountants office... for 40 minutes...with nothing to read... then had to go to his parents house afterwards to try and hunt down an old-school suit for his halloween costume (Ron Burgundy) to no avail... some russian tv later, three yapping dogs and some parental guilt at not seeing them enough, we arrive home and i make grilled cheese sandwiches and some chicken soup.

yeah. and promptly fall asleep. and get a mild fever. and wake up this morning realizing, oh, lucky me i'm getting sick! so today i am loading up on vitamins. bundling up. (i'm sure the car ride aka mobile igloo ride didn't do me much good yesterday)

and when i get to work? i try to get into my glove box and the WHOLE THING goes flopping down on the ground, the contents spilling everywhere... screws flying.... and now my glovebox is broken. it is a sad, sad little glove box today.


PHEW! okay. now that i've got that out. i'm trying to figure out what to be for halloween. yes, i know it's TOMORROW. yes, i know i have totally fulfilled my procrastinating duties. so. this is where i need your help!!!

okay. so since i've been a cheerleader (ahem. sorry. i WAS a cheerleader. sometimes i like to pretend i still am) for about 7 years or so, i have TONS of cheer uniforms. i was thinking i could go as Claire Bennett. you know. from Heroes. my FAV. SHOW. EV-AR. (behind dexter, weeds, true blood, prison break.. etc...) (24...) see:


so. this is a pic i found online of her. i have a similar uniform that is red, gold and white, looks like this. i figure i could buy name tags at the store, and put a name tag over MY name that is on the uniform, and have it say, duh, "Hi, my name is.... Claire Bennett."

below is a photo of me from my sophomore year as Jr. Varsity... this isn't the uniform that i have that matches the above photo, but just to give you a hint at what it looks like. don't judge. i totally rocked those braces. hey i was only 15, yo! (i'm the blonde in the center.)


then i was thinking i could wear this super duper cute pinstriped dress i have. it's about knee-length, form fitting, strapless, sort of 40's looking. if i wore a black high-waisted belt with it, black boots and Vlad's white tie along with a fedora (i'm sure i can find a black one. they're in right now.) i could go as a mob girl. see similar photo below:

of course i have another option, too, i could go as a school girl and just hit up target after work and buy an actual school uniform white shirt, skirt and cardigan. then i could get a cheap tie, some knee-highs and just wear that. (of course it would, you know, be form fitting. i mean. it IS halloween folks. MUST LOOK CUTE.)

so what do ya'll think? should i just try them all and see what looks best? should i do a fashion show tonight with each outfit and then post the pics and you tell me tomorrow?

bc it's totally not like, you know, last minute or anything??????

sigh. i need help!

so. i started to sit down w/the intent to write a super duper witty post full of wily banter and hilarity's only to discover that i am in such a piss-poor mood, i would have to have a lobotomy to pull that off. so i've decided to just sorta post and go w/the flow. i have a couple things on my mind today.

1) why is it that when you're feeling craptastic, mcdonalds fixes you right up? i don't get that one. i would think trans fat would make you feel BAD. after watching Supersize Me, i don't understand how in the world a chicken mcnugget happy meal double cheeseburger and medium fry (yes i know i get fries w/the happy meal. there just aren't enough fries in the world to sate me.) lunch could possibly make me feel ten shades of wonderful right now. maybe it's the pint-sized sprite? or maybe the 'girl toy' which is my next thing-

2)okay. wtf is w/happy meal toys??? i mean good lord it was a hooker! i. kid. you. not. i passed the still-wrapped barbie-size-of-my-toe over to my coworker and was all, yo merry xmas about it, and she unwraps it and informs me that barbie has a name. and it is something really off the wall like He-Hole or something. wow that sounds bad. but seriously. if i spell it phonetically, that's what it was. He-Holl. (that just seems a less crude way to spell it out.) anyway so upon further inspection (after reading the little 'postcard' that she has on her wrist informing us of her name and origin) she's from flippin' CHINA and she's BLONDE. and, uhm, WHITE. some strong anglo genes were comin' thru on that girl. and she's wearing a napkin for a skirt. okay. i'm sorry, but if this was the 'toy' bestowed upon my daughter with her scrumptious and oh-so-nutritious i'm such a kickass mom lunch, i would've thrown that crap ten days from sunday. just sayin'. i don't think 5 yr olds should have to play with american hookers from China.

3) this is off the wall (ha, what isn't that flies outta my mouth) but i'm left-handed and i am just SICK up to my eyeballs of how crappy the world is for us. i mean, really? i have to have my own pair of scissors. bc, yeah, you righties? ya, your scissors kinda suck. please don't take offense. but mine are awesome. also? message pads? uhm HELLO has anyone in the world ever considered the fact that it HURTS LIKE A MOTHER to try and write down a message with that stupid metal spine trying to lodge itself into your pinky finger? and then they have the nerve to tell me i have bad hand writing. "must be bc you're a lefty, huck, huck!" yes. as a matter of fact, is IS bc i'm a lefty. and it's also bc those message pad makers? they're asshats.

4) when i'm stuck in traffic i like to crack the spine on my current love affair (aka, my book) and plunk it down on the steering wheel and read. for some reason, i think this scares the bejesus out of every other roadster bc i have been getting LOOKS lately. you know... the what-the-hell-was-in-her-mcmuffin-cuz-she's-crazy looks. (mcdonalds on the brain. sigh. be still my heart.) i mean, really? you never multi-task while driving, you mascara-rear-window-vixen you? bc if i'm not mistaken, we are at a STANDSTILL and instead of listening to the insipid radio i'm calmly minding my own business, in my OWN CAR, reading my book. does that offend you? oh, so sorry, ms. has to sit on my bumper the entire time as if nudging your front end carefully into my trunk is going to make traffic disappear, but at least i'm entertaining myself. bc i could so totally be honking and i'm sorry.... nobody, and i mean nobody, likes the honker when it's bumper to bumper. there's nowhere to go, buddy. honking is just gettin' us all shades of pissed.

what else. hm. why has it taken me four days to paint my nails? seriously. it's not like i have all that much to do when i get home at night. also, i cleaned the fridge last night. is it totally shameful to admit that i seriously couldn't recognize something i THINK may have been a lemon once-upon-a-time? yeah. it was that. bad. and also took THREE trash bags to haul away all the stuff that i really shouldn't have had in there to begin with. i read somewhere once that mold produces fumes. (duh. i know.) and probably, the reason both my husband and i have been feeling off for the past month or so? yeah... so i think it was totally the fridge. wow. i am being SO open right now, i'm sharing with you my gross fridge story. but do not fret. i scrubbed and scrubbed and now it sparkles and whenever someone comes over i'm totally all "HEY look in here it's so nice aren't i like the best wife ev-ar??"

i'm also addicted to ice breakers wintergreen mints. oh lordy i eat these things for breakfast. seriously. a container of these doesn't last long once i get ahold of it. i once was accused of stealing a container from my boss. (he totally let me have it. promise. swear. girl scouts honor)

another thing i hate more than anything in the entire world? the fact that blogger is being HORRIBLE and just lost half of this post. wtf???? wtf man? why is it ME who has a black dot on her back and everyone is trying to sniper me out of existence??? is it bc i thought to myself as i pressed that oh-so-alluring orange button, crap, should i have saved this first? will it erase it? nah, im good. and yeah. then i jinxed myself and lost probably the BEST PART of the entire post bc i? am an idiot. and tempted fate. sigh. so sorry, all the cleverness that i had spat out onto the screen w/my clicking fingers... is gone. and i have no more left. and i am having a moment of senility bc i cannot, for the life of me, remember what the hell it is that i wrote.

anyway. i would pretend like i'm goin' to go get some work done but since i'm honest and all i'll tell you the truth. i'm goin' to check out all the blogs that have updated since you know the last five minutes or so. don't judge.

censor? me? pshaw

okay!!! so i found this over at http://lofoolery.blogspot.com/ who found thru the comments section of cg's site www.dreamscountrygirl.blogspot.com whom i just ADORE... anyway... so Lo Foolery, she has my name (Lo. uhm. duh. tap tap? hello?) so i linked on over to her and then i found this and so here it is!!! i tag everyone. tag yer it tag! uhm. yeah. still there? so you're supposed to answer these with one word. so. wish me luck. bc i have a big ol' mouth. and i'm just gonna answer these questions w/the first answer that pops in my head. k? k.


1. Where is your cell phone? drawer
2. Where is your significant other? office
3. Your hair color? blonde
4. Your mother? brunette
5. Your father? blonde
6. Your favorite thing? love
7. Your dream last night? forgettable
8. Your dream/goal? freedom
9. The room you're in? office
10. Your hobby? reading!
11. Your fear? heights
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Un-Sad
13. Where were you last night? couch!
14. What you’re not? Republican
15. One of your wish list items? moving
16. Where you grew up? everywhere
17. The last thing you did? type!
18. What are you wearing? slacks
19. Your TV? panasonic
20. Your pet? daisy!
21. Your computer? HP
22. Your mood? unsettled
23. Missing someone? Vlad
24. Your car? black
25. Something you’re not wearing? socks
26. Favorite store? Z Gallerie
27. Your autumn? gold
28. Love someone? Vlad
29. Your favorite color? navy blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? just now
31. Last time you cried? reading cg's blog


now try your hand at it! it is kinda hard. seriously. bc i had like A MILLION TRILLION gazillion (quadrascillion. heh.) words for each answer.

i swear there's pictures in this post, girl scouts honor!

wow. so i suppose i really have no excuse for my total lack of interest in blogging this past week. i am SO SORRY! it isn't so much my 'lack of interest' as i so blatantly claim but more so the realization that life comes at you from all angles and sometimes? it's all you can do to hold onto the seat of your pants and try to stay on the ride. i managed to do that this week but not without sacrifice... as in, i have been totally INEPT at writing any sort of interesting post. completely. oh, trust me, i have left my fair share of comments on OTHER blogs. i've just failed to make any sort of comment on my own. and without going into too much detail... i was dealing w/a tax deadline, then dealing with insane people at work, then dealing with suddenly being sick and having THE headache to end all headaches, leaving work early friday... to be told that we HAVE to make an appearance at our friends house, bc they just finished remodeling their condo. to which i say noooooooo bc i was so tired, so sick, so pathetic and so, so terribly whiny.... but, being the trooper and good friend i am, i went. and watched my husband get just a BIT TOO TIPSY. so i drove home.. at around midnight... with a tipsy person making kind of no sense in the car with me... just to get home and realize wow, i can't sleep, bc i was so petrified of falling asleep on the drive home.

so i parked it on the sofa and read my book. until around 2am. and then went to bed and slept 12 hours and woke up to Vlad coming into the bedroom after he had spent all day at work- and i was still sleeping!! at 2 in the afternoon! goodness, i was tired. and to be honest i can't really tell you what we did then. i THINK we ended up in Schaumburg shopping. and then i KNOW we went back to our friends condo, again, for the second night in a row. to which i played... in... my... FIRST SCRABBLE GAME EVER. and totally won!!!! i am SO the scrabble king. queen. whatev. but i'm now addicted to that game.

then we went home... and Vlad drove this time, not me (bc i drove the night BEFORE and he was tipsy and i wasn't, so, i win) then we went home, watched movies until we both fell asleep.

i know. total crazy 20-somethings, right???

on Sunday we decided to be EXTRA crazy and went with his parents to the sears tower. and yes, i took pictures, and no, you will not be seeing them right now. bc i am at work. i will post more about my weekend happenings when i get a spare moment at home when my computer doesn't hate me and my cat isn't freakin' out and my husband, Vlad, isn't late/running late/needs something/is flippin' out bc something is lost... or a time when i need to make dinner.. or ... yeah. anyway. where was i?

oh yes. the photographer who did my wedding, www.jodigarland.com, is wonderful, and she's putting together my photos right now. one super AWESOME thing she does, however, is she makes a hardbound BOOK for you!! so she emailed me a few pages that she had put together. so of COURSE i am posting them here. :)
first page.... look at this photo!!! SO CUTE. i love the feet!! seriously for some reason this is one of my fav shots of weddings. i adore the bottom-half shot. and then there's Vlad and me downtown!! :)

this is by far my favorite photo that i've seen so far... the Picasso statue downtown Chicago.... the 'dip kiss' photo. I. LOVE. THIS.

this is our ceremony.... to which i have quite a funny story but i will have to post it later, when i'm in the mood to be snarky and sarcastic. lets just say.... we didn't cry thru our ceremony... we LAUGHED. the officiant? uh, uhm, er.... yeah. just wait for that one. (isn't this pretty tho? so much prettier in photos, sad to say. but, i was also just a BIT NERVOUS)

the kiss and our walk down the aisle as husband and wife! (okay i'm allowed to be cheesy!!)

so that's my post. lettin' ya'll know i'm alive and ... well, i'm doin' good NOW but this weekend? PHEW! ROUGH! this week, i have to..... clean out my fridge. that is my big goal. i know, i know, you're all totally jealous and all, but c'mon now..... you know me.... always the life of the party. seriously, tho, it needs to be cleaned, otherwise the next time i go in for some milk the damn thing's gonna sprout legs and leftover chicken and old veggies and something i do not EVEN want to know what it is..was... will come after me, night-of-the-living-dead style. and i will SO not be happy. so. gotta be cleaned.

happy tuesday everyone!!!!!

what chores do ya'll have this week?? does anyone have any hilarious, funny, weird or quirky wedding stories???

so, all of you lucky folks out there who have Columbus Day off..... how i envy thee. i am stuck at work bc i work for an accounting firm. yep, that's right, me, the girl who doesn't even OWN a checkbook bc she thinks it's a waste of paper and doesn't know what the big deal is about 'balancing' the damn thing anyway... who doesn't do her own taxes and makes her husband do them for her... who has worked here for 3 years and STILL doesn't know anything about anything in accounting.

which is okay by me, honestly. i do not WANT to know how to do all this stuff. bc it is BORING. boring i tell you! BOOOORRRRRING!

and so today, bc of October 15th on the horizon, i sit here, stressed out of my little blonde head, wrinkle lines and all and so very jealous of everyone else who gets Columbus Day off. bc Columbus deserves his own day. bc Columbus rocked, yo! Columbus rocks the socks off me. i think he's just terrific. (and he USED to be my ticket to a paid day off too. until i started working for the (devil) an accountant.)

so, instead, i am basically buried up to my neck in (quicksand) 1040s and 1120s's and 1065's and extensions and e file forms and .. and.. messenger service phone calls BEGGING THEM to come back! please come back! take these blasted returns from me so that we can get them to our clients who only gave us all the info YESTERDAY and yet they expected their returns A MONTH AGO bc what do they pay for, exactly? clairvoyance? oh, yeah, sorry, forgot to read your mind across state lines and figure out exactly how many deductions you had this year.

er, uhm... sorry. got distracted.

anyway, my work place is totally wiggin' out. and I'M totally wiggin' out bc of it, and also bc they're all eating McDonalds right next to me and dear sweet jesus it smells like ... like... okay it smells GORGEOUS and TANTALIZING and YUMMY and TUMMY- PLEASING and oh good goodness in the world, i want McDonalds for lunch. sigh.

sorry. sidetracked again. trans fat does that to me.

so this is a quick post bc i know i have SO MANY (1, if i'm lucky) readers and, you know, didn't want you guys to think i bailed. (even tho i did. but just till Wednesday. promise. girl scouts honor.) i will have pictures and updates on my weekend and silly stories and everything.

just a little something to leave you with- this should tell you how tired and exhausted i have been lately- my husband and i were watching Dante's Peak (that should be clue enough that i'm so tired i can't see straight- i actually watched this, start-to-finish swear to god i did. where's my gold star? my medal?) and when the movie ended we were both too (lazy) exhausted to turn it off. so i started 'watching' the credits. yes. you heard me. and you tell ME if these names aren't somewhat funny....

the main characters last names are "Wando." wando? really? why would you INTENTIONALLY use the last name wando?? this was made more funny by the fact that there was a character w/my name, Lauren Wando. i was very sympathetic to the little girl.

then, welcome in "James Cucci." explanation nec.?? i think not. needless to say i was crying, i was laughing so hard.

i guess life is more hilarious when you're exhausted to the point of delirium?

wow i sure am list-y today.

k, so Kat over at www.sunshineandlemonade.blogspot.com is doing a 'get-o-know-you' post. i thought, instead of being oh like everyone else in the world and just COMMENT on her blog, i'm going to strike out and be different and post on MY blog.

these are her questions, and i encourage everyone to answer these bc they're fun:

It's time again for our weekly getting to know you session. And time again for me to wrack my brains for some questions.

Do you like to camp? Or is the Holiday Inn roughing it enough? i like to camp, yes, but only if i have an air mattress, a real pillow and good food. oh, and a car, in case it starts raining. (yeah. cuz that one time two years ago? SO NOT FUN to wake up floating on your air mattress like you're on a raft.)

Do you want to be buried or cremated? i don't want to answer this one. i feel like i'll be jinxing myself.

What is your soap box issue? (Now, don't get on your soap box. I just want to know what issue will send you up there) probably gay marriage, abortion, gun control. now try to guess where i stand on all three! hahaha!

You are going to a costume party. What will you wear? well in real life? probably the halloween costume from two years ago. candy striper. bc it was free, bc i don't have to spend any more money, and bc it's cute. if i had an unlimited budget? probably a sexy pirate done up with garters and a bodice and an old-fashioned gun, a cop, or a flapper.

Tomorrow you MUST change jobs. No more stay at home mom. No more teacher. No more nurse. No more fill in the blank. What new career will you start? ouch. no idea. i would say, go back to school and study ______. that's cheating. i know. but i really don't know what i want to be when i grow up. paralegal? teacher? who knows.

What was the last movie you saw? forgetting sarah marshall. and seriously? take my word for it. FORGET IT. it was SO not all it was cracked up to be.

What one room in your house would you like to re-decorate? KITCHEN!!!! amen.

When you were growing up, did your family decorate for holidays other than Christmas? oh for sure! my mom passed that lovely trait onto me, too. i soooo love craft stores. she is a wreath-makin-MAVEN. seriously.

What is the oldest thing in your house? hm. probably the elephant from my grandfather. he passed away over 10 years ago, and he collected elephant figurines his entire life. his very first one he got when he was 5, when he was still in Denmark. it is one of my most treasured possessions. it's an elephant piggy bank, so to speak, and my grandmother gave it to me when he passed. it means more to me than almost anything. and he is why elephants are my favorite things ev-ar.

Pick one: cruise ship, powerboat, sailboat, rowboat, kayak, or inner tube? sailboat. definitely. bc i LOVE being on the water, and i love how natural it is. have i ever been on one? no. so i may change my tune once i do board one. but my father is a licensed sailing instructor, and he sort of rubbed off on me.

well, i was (am) perusing my favorite blogs of choice this morning, and i fell across http://midlifeslices.wordpress.com/ - she is truly hi-larious and keeps me smiling even tho we may not agree politically (hey now! i know this is a non-political blog but i hadta put SUMTHIN' didn't i??) (just ignore me. most people do.) but we just try to ingore that little tidbit. anywho. go read her! she's fun. i swear. promise. pinky promise. seriously. no joke. i do not lie! (i only lie about really good things. when it matters. ah hell. i totally lie. wait. i take that back. i don't. gotcha! confused?) she did a post about "Top Ten Things That Set my Teeth at Edge". oohhh.... i rubbed my palms together and said, mmmm this is too good to not sink my teeth into. get it? teeth? sink? at edge? uhm. still there? (taptap) hello?

anyway, here's my list.

1) people who are rude. honestly, i cannot stress this enough- how hard is it to be nice to someone? seriously. do you REALLY need to get snarky? okay, okay, if i deserve it? give it to me. but really? coworkers? do they really need to be jerks and mean to everyone? (this is directed at one particular person at my work and while i will not name names, she is... holy hell... the snarkiest and meanest and most UNHAPPY person i've ever come across.)

2) people who think they are above refilling things. plastic silverware drawer, paper towels, toilet paper, ANYTHING like that. it. drives. me. nuts.

3) people who are too cautious while driving. bc really? one-lane road? you're going 20 in a 45? REALLY? are you SERIOUS?

4) when my husband ignores the dishwasher. and sink. oh hell, the whole kitchen. and leaves his plates. covered in ranch dressing. overnight. on the coffee table. (bc he is afraid of the dining room) and i spend my morning scraping it off the plate and then am late to work. bc i cannot deal with old ranch dressing just chillin' on my coffee table. cannot. do it.

5) if you're going to call me? don't hang up bc you have a more important call coming thru at that exact moment. and then call me back, again, just when i've gotten back to doing what i was doing. THAT is annoying.

6) this always happens to me, but why am i always the lucky one who gets behind the person at the grocery store who a) has to bicker about 'this is on sale' and 'this is on sale' when THAT IS THE WRONG FROZEN PIZZA, it is NOT on sale, and after your poor husband runs around trying to PROVE THAT YOU'RE RIGHT, you realize OH WOW its' the pizza NEXT to that pizza! silly me! now i've just lost 7 minutes of my life standing at Piggly Wiggly. joy.

7) also, i am the lucky winner who gets in line behind those refusing to admit it's 2008 and it's okay to pay by debit card. hense, THE CHECK. seriously? is it really THAT important to use a check rather than the debit card? it comes from the same place. amen.

8) the post office. i don't think i need to go into further detail.

9) waiting for pics to upload onto the computer/blog/etc. for some reason, this drives me nuts. bc all i want to do is get them ON THERE and it takes forever. sigh.

10) this one tops the charts. my husband is from Russia. he imigrated here when he was 9 years old. so, obviously, his entire family speaks Russian. unfortunately, the second we sit down to dinner, the ENTIRE CONVERSATION is in Russian. to the point i have to keep asking my husband to translate for me. his response? "i have no idea what they're saying. i don't pay attention to them. your'e better off not speaking Russian." wow, love-of-my-life, soulmate-for-ever, thanks so much for that translation. it totally helped me understand that joke you JUST LAUGHED AT.

graceful schmaceful

so there is one thing about me (okay one of about a million trillion) that makes me 'special', as my husband likes to say.

i trip. ALL. THE. TIME. seriously. and i constantly bump into walls, desks, cars, carts, stairs, basically anything and everything that comes even CLOSE to my path. seriously. i'm like a magnet for making a fool out of myself.

for instance, if i had my camera i would show you visible evidence- but since i'm at work, not working, but pretending to work and feigning like i'm working by typing and staring intently at the screen, i cannot- i have a bruise on my right bicep, and it is from, wait for it, wait for it...

walking into the door jam leading to the KITCHEN AT WORK. yes. bc that is where i spend ALL of my time while working. yep. eating. that's me. lard ass over here. seriously, i spend ALL DAY eating. they call me the garbage disposal around here. they even go so far as to say 'nah we don't need a garbage can, we've got lauren.' so yes. if i were ever kidnapped tortured and left for dead on the side of the road (god, morbid much? this is actually my BIGGEST FEAR EVER.) my identifying mark would be 'hey, does she have a bruise the size of ohio on her right bicep? if so, that's the fatty we're lookin' for.'

so anyway. what prompted this post? yeah, i did a classic move about five minutes ago. i was walking down the hall, minding my own biz, and what do i do? yep, you guessed it folks. i tripped over my own feet. and how? i smacked my right foot right into my left ankle bone. tripped, stumbled, did the whole 'dear lord jesus do not let me fall flat on my face' floundering arm thing, then smacked my ankle bone, then went down for the count, all the while going 'shit! shit! ow! ow, that hurts! ow i'm not kidding here!'

a few heads popped out of the offices. they were all the newbies 'round here. and why did the 'oldies but goodies' ignore my antics? bc they see it happen. a million times a day. every day. on the hour. minute. miniscule nanosecond.

bc i? am the QUEEN of lookin' like a fool.

also? i am now apparently queen of self-inflicted-ankle-injuries bc this one? hurts like a mo' fo'.

okay. i lied.

okay. one last picture. this is me. after blogging. bc i am SO DAG-GUM RELEAVED to have finished that post. phew! that was a doozy. and so, goodnight ya'll, and even tho i sound southern i am SO. not. so. sorry for frontin' and all but really? i just like the word ya'll, yo.

and just bc i'm honest (addicted to blogging) cool (obsessed) kind (deranged) and commited and all, (again. obsessed comes to mind.) here's a photo of me doing my HULK impersonation. i know. i know. i am, like, TOTALLY your worst nightmare.

PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!

hi guys. so i'm at home, chillin', readin' my book, home alone for the night since vlad has to work late... thinkin'.... what am i gonna do with myself??? a book can only go so far. (sorry, j.r. ward.) and the movies i rented the other night? not so far. not by a long shot. then i hear my phone beeping it's little heart out bc i've been a bad mom and let it run out of battery. crap- home alone and no phone equals BAD IDEA. so i run upstairs to get the charger, glance at the computer, see my camera and BAM! remember hey! you wanted to upload pics! do! it! now! you lazy sod! before you totally flake out! like always!

wow! i'm so uppity!

ahem. anyway. so, here we go. just a few that i've uploaded... bc for some horrible reason my computer decided I DONT LIKE PICTURES within the last ten minutes. these took me forever to get up. but. uhm. yeah. so here we go:


this, my dear friends, is the FLOOD i was talking about. do you see this? can you understand that there is a major two-lane STREET under all that water?? and we only live in ILLINOIS not southern mississippi?? or alabama? or georgia? or.. or... ya'll know what i'm talkin' bout. anyway. look at that! insane. and even more insane- there are PEOPLE WALKING IN IT.

let me just tell you about this water for a minute, bc it is no normal water. and before you go thinkin' it's some sort of amazing water-into-wine-water, let me tell you, nosirreebob it is DEFINITELY not. bc, my friends, the reason why there was such a huge flood is bc 1? Des Plaines has a HUGE RIVER, and this road is aptly named "RIVER ROAD" and thus? was flooded. BUT. it wouldn't have been AS BAD if it weren't for the lovely... er... how shall i put this... uhm... the IN DIRE NEED OF UPDATING sewage system.

ding ding! you got it. that's sewer. water. that. people. are. walking. in. that my husband had to walk through to get into his auto body shop to make sure all the electrical issues were taken care of- my husband who gagged the whole time, wore old shorts and shoes and threw them out as soon as he was done. my husband who scrubbed his legs RAW after this. one of our best friends, Danny, married to Britt who's just so fab- he went with vlad to 'deal' with the whole mess and he was honest to god trying to talk vlad into putting himself into a garbage can and FLOATING to the damn shop. i kid you not. seriously. (idiots) what clever men. and no they didn't do it.

this next one is the front of his shop. please take note of the minivan ditched so ungraciously in the street. and also notice, the windows are down. think someone wanted to claim flood insurance? i think so.

okay. off of the flood for the moment bc honestly? my attention span is dwindling and my computer is slow tonight (bc it hates me) bc i need to do updates but am too lazy, so i'm trying to get as many pics up as i can. this next one is of my friend Holly and me, she's a model when she's not working a full-time job and i had just gone to support her in one of her shows, at a bar/club in downtown chicago. here we are, sneaking into the 'VIPonlysection' aka the 'really crappy back of the bar' section. ahem. i'm the blonde on the right. in case you didn't figure that out.

this next one is from my weekend two weeks ago..... dun dun dun... the RUSSIAN BRUNCH. the lady on the left is my sister in law, Kathy. and uhm. that's me. i look all big-nosed and distorted bc i was concerned about getting the angle right on the photo. yeah. that's it. that's my story and i'm stickin' to it.

and this. here, my friends, is the table. or, part of the table. notice the HUGE bottle of bourbon just chillin', a little sipped off the top, and mind you, this was at TWELVE IN THE AFTERNOON. on a SUNDAY. with VODKA. and wine. and ... and... uhm... so i had a glass. i mean, a small one. okay. c'mon now. do you BLAME a girl for getting a tiny sip of Pinot when you're surrounded with Russian nonstop and you don't have a clue to next sunday what they're sayin'??? i KNOW that there are at least some of you who would have done the same thing. ahem. anyway.

and this... i am sorry to say... is the topper. the big kahuna. THIS was part of the main course. catfish. STILL. WHOLE. look at that lil' guys' face. he looks so sad. sort of 'aw shucks, here i am all cooked and all, and you're gonna put me on a blog? seriously? i am SO mortified.' and he has no eyes. know why? no, not bc they remove them when they cook the poor guy. bc people EAT THEM. for GOOD LUCK.

excuse me while i take a moment to throw up in the back of my mouth. EWYUCK.

Also, please take note of TERMINATOR in the back rear. yes. that is my wonderful grandma. actually my husbands grandmother. she had laser surgery on her eyes, and bc, you know, we're at a russian restaurant at NOON on a SUNDAY and all, the STROBE LIGHTS were hurting her eyes so she had to put on the glasses. oh, yeah. you betcha. strobe lights. you read correctly. so while i had to deal with casper the catfish kindly telepathing (i know this isn't a real word. pfft. i like it.) his request for his eyes back, i also had to spend a good half hour trying not to LAUGH MY BUTT OFF at poor grandma. bc seriously? terminator? at a brunch? with some Pinot?

stick a knife in me bc i'm done, ya'll.

and so i leave you with one last photo. this is my husband, Vlad (Vladimir), the russian, the crazy man, the boy i love, the man of my dreams. he's being silly here. but i forgive him. bc really?

i totally made him do this. i call it 'the hulk.' cuz i'm original like that, yo.

more pics to come. i promise, cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die, please don't stick a needle in my eye, girl scouts honor promise.

(swear on my juicy couture and cole haan handbags swear, and if i had some prada or gucci, that too!)

THIS is what i just ate. THIS LOVELY ROUND er... sort of... bowl-ish type specimen i lay before you was my lunch. and it was amazing.

oh, kraft foods, how i love thee and your synthetic cheeses and sauces and spices. how i adore the teeny spice/cheese packages that i know are the key to the wonderfulness of my meals.

i swear i don't have ADD... or, what was i saying?

so the weekend was full of debauchery and shenanigans and goofiness. kind of. i make it sound more interesting than it really was. friday, well.. i can't really remember actually what we did friday. i think bc we just did more of what we do during monday-thursday, which is go home, take a shower, stuff our faces full of food we probably shouldn't eat- WAIT! now i remember.

we ordered pizza, sat on the floor of the living room like little kids, ate straight out of the ginormous pizza box, and watched movies. i can't really remember what we watched tho. i think it was "Bad Boys" bc that's my husbands favorite movie. seriously. we must have watched it like.... ten times this weekend. and that was just this weekend. there is a reason why i refuse to buy that damn dvd, folks.

on saturday, vlad (my husband) worked until around 2 i think, whereas i? yes, i did the most mature and responsible thing EV-ar. i slept. and slept. and slept some more. till about 1pm when i finally rolled out of bed bc husband called and said PEOPLE ARE COMING TO SEE OUR HOUSE and since we're all, you know, tryin' to SELL and all, i JUMPED up, freaked out, promptly cleaned the entire house top-to-bottom faster than any human i think has ever existed (or so i like to tell myself so i feel cool) just to have a phone call come in at 3 saying, oh, just kidding! they're comin' tomorrow.

which, i guess i was okay with, bc my house was now clean and i got to enjoy it on saturday then too. but that was short-lived.

bc on saturday NIGHT we had friends over, and i do have to say that these friends are SO. MUCH. BETTER. about cleanliness and being polite then the OTHER friends we had over LAST weekend. they made such a huge mess i was seriously skeeved out by the state of my kitchen. so this weekend i was all, oh, crap, freakin' GREAT now my newly-cleaned (read: scrubbed vacuumed wiped until my knuckles bled. not really. but just imagine that one!) is going to be so upside down that i'm going to have to wake up early to deal w/it before the open house.

but no! it was a great time. our bestest friends EV-ar, danny and britt came over and we all hung out. right now i'm reading a series called "The Black Dagger Brotherhood", it's about vamps and love and lust and action and it's SUPER GOOD FOLKS go read it- she's the one who turned me onto it so that's what we mostly talked about. characters. in the book. much to the dismay of our husbands who looked at us like we seriously had five heads or somethin'. bc we were chatting about the characters like we knew them. and, uhm, duh? hello, cuz? WE DO. nuff said.

anyway. so we had a great fantastic time, hung out, said goodnight, went to bed, woke up with a slight stella artois headache and then we had to run out, bc people were coming to looka t our house.

and okay? on a side note? this is a huge pet peeve. i mean if you're not interested in BUYING IT then why are you scheduling times to SEE IT??? i mean, i understand curiosity and coming around during an open house on a sunday or whatev bc i? have totally done that and am so guilty of scoping out my neighbors houses for decorating ideas. (meanwhile my house is my favorite. heh.) but seriously? making the owners leave for three hours so you can 'drop by' like the freakin' cable guy in the time frame of THREE HOURS?

so we went to Sams Club. and bought a veggie tray bc i am A-DDICTED to them. mmm. ranch and brocoli. YUMmers. and we bought some other stuff that isn't too interesting bc it wasn't for me. (hehe. i kid. i kid.) then, we went and looked at cars for vlad, bc his car was hit by the flooding that passed through his work area this past month. (i promise i will post pictures. you will me amazed.)

phew! wow. that was a doozy getting all that out. this post is so all over the place, and i tried to sit down and right something flowing and structured but honestly? that's not how i roll. to answer other questions, i did NOT find the bandage dress!!

I KNOW!!!! they were sold out at every store i went into. very sad. but it turns out that we didn't go out Saturday night after all, we had a get-together at my house which honestly i'd rather do over going out- so i got to wear my favorite jeans and this cute black thermal i picked up for 5.99!!! I KNOW. total score.

but, i will prevail. i am going to hunt that dress down for new years. or a dress similar to it. bc the bandage dress? o, you coy, coy vixen you, how i adore thee and will covet your forever. okay. i went overboard. but you catch my drift.

other than that i didn't post yesterday bc honestly i was the snarkiest of the snarky in all the land and was afraid that if i did try to write, it'd be one long rant. i'm writing now not so much bc i think this won't be a crap post (which i'm sure it is) but bc i WANTED to get stuff out, at least enough to center myself. bc work is out of control! too much drama to even begin to waste my time on. lets just say there are people in this world who really need to start waking up on the other side of the bed and stop eating nails for breakfast, bc they'd probably be nicer and would stop making our lives miserable.

so this is my attempt to get back in touch with REALITY (heh. funny that i choose the internet blogging world for my dose of reality) instead of dwelling on all of the negative floating around me right now.

plus my poor husband threw out his back sunday, so he's been living at the chiropractor. well not really. but he went last night and he's going again tonight. poor guy. it's pretty heart-wrenching when you see a grown man who's usually extremely in shape, energetic and constantly moving suddenly laid out flat on his back on the sofa and has to drink his water through a straw bc he can't sit up without being in pain. poor guy. (i totally thought of the straw idea, btw. it was neon green. bendy. and it was in a 'beauty and the beast' plastic cup. heh.)

ANYway, i leave all of you feeling much happier. when i sat down to write this i thought i was going to tear my hair out. or run screaming. but, since i need, you know, a paycheck, i thought writing would be better.

and as for tonight? since i'll be home alone for a while, i think i'm going to make potato bacon soup, a recipe i found (stole) from Tanya over at Sunday Baker (she's on my blogroll!!). It looks AMAZING and i will take pictures and maybe? just maybe? i'll remember to upload pictures before i pass out in a heavy-whipping-cream two-sticks-of-butter garlic-bread-and-potato-bacon-soup coma.

lust, or as carrie would say, hello, LOVER

OKAY! say hello to my Friday Obession:

hello, lover.....

meet: The Bandage Dress. this has become my latest obsession. vain, yes! trite, yes! am i in lust with this beautiful Herve Leger knockoff? you betcha!!!!! oh be still my beating heart, this is the thing that has kept me awake at night, drooling over W magazine and online InStyle. this gorgeous beauty is the reason why i ditched the spanx and didn't hold back on my pizza last night.

bc this beauty? it will hold in places on your body you thought were left for the dogs. bc there was NO way i thought my thighs would ever 'smooth' or 'contour evenly' and this dress? while it's meant for those who aren't completely out of shape, it is FORGIVING. and for this? oh, i love thee, bandage dress.

tonight i'm going shopping and damnit, i am DETERMINED to spend money on myself. bc i never, ever do. i am a shopaholic gone broke. i obsess over fashions and trends and yet i mostly stick to the 'classic' look which consists of a staple handbag (that was pricey, i might add, but i've worn it daily for over 2 years so i think the investment was worth it) black, black, and more black, and either birkenstocks, black pointy heels or flip flops. and lots of long drape-y necklaces and earrings bc those? don't cost too much. oh and nail polish. bc a good manicure can take you anywhere, baby.

but tonight, tonight is different. i am going to buy a bandage dress, damnit, bc tomorrow night? we're going downtown for a friends birthday celebration and i am so tired of wearing the same outfits out. i want to look GOOD. and this is probably the last time i can do so without breaking my neck, bc once the snow hits? oh, you can forget about wearing cute dresses and heels, honey, bc once that ice is on the ground only an earthquake could get me out of my house. and then only in Uggs.

so anyway. tonight, i am shopping. tonight? i want to find this dress. and tonight, i want to find a KILLER pair of platform heels. bc i? am going to look smokin'. even if it kills me.

(i just adore these impractical morsels of toe torture.)

i want YOU!

hey! you! yeah, you! (you lookin' at me??) i have a request. small, really. teeny tiny super small. it only involves one finger. like the guy above!! my main man!! all you gotta do is plunk yourself down at 9EST and turn on the t.v., and watch the VP debate tonight. bc honestly? i think everyone, no matter which way you swing, has gotta watch this.

bc in our country? at this time? this market? this hour of need? this time when we need to open our eyes and SEE what is going on rather than shutting the blinds and curling up in a ball and thinking your money is safe tucked away at Wachovia or WaMu? this time when you think you're doing fine bc your stocks are up and you have a job? this moment in time when we could change our country, forever?

with just one finger? one vote?

bc in our country, at this time, in this market, at this hour of need, you need to plunk down and hunker in with your mac&cheese (or whatever flips your skirt up) and use one teeny tiny finger to turn on the t.v.

and watch.

and take an active, honest-to-god interest in the debate. bc this? my friends? this is your life. YOUR future. not just some boring political spat.

this is your future, your childrens future, the worlds future, and your ONE VOTE could mean the world to all of us.