Thursday, October 23, 2008

so. i started to sit down w/the intent to write a super duper witty post full of wily banter and hilarity's only to discover that i am in such a piss-poor mood, i would have to have a lobotomy to pull that off. so i've decided to just sorta post and go w/the flow. i have a couple things on my mind today.

1) why is it that when you're feeling craptastic, mcdonalds fixes you right up? i don't get that one. i would think trans fat would make you feel BAD. after watching Supersize Me, i don't understand how in the world a chicken mcnugget happy meal double cheeseburger and medium fry (yes i know i get fries w/the happy meal. there just aren't enough fries in the world to sate me.) lunch could possibly make me feel ten shades of wonderful right now. maybe it's the pint-sized sprite? or maybe the 'girl toy' which is my next thing-

2)okay. wtf is w/happy meal toys??? i mean good lord it was a hooker! i. kid. you. not. i passed the still-wrapped barbie-size-of-my-toe over to my coworker and was all, yo merry xmas about it, and she unwraps it and informs me that barbie has a name. and it is something really off the wall like He-Hole or something. wow that sounds bad. but seriously. if i spell it phonetically, that's what it was. He-Holl. (that just seems a less crude way to spell it out.) anyway so upon further inspection (after reading the little 'postcard' that she has on her wrist informing us of her name and origin) she's from flippin' CHINA and she's BLONDE. and, uhm, WHITE. some strong anglo genes were comin' thru on that girl. and she's wearing a napkin for a skirt. okay. i'm sorry, but if this was the 'toy' bestowed upon my daughter with her scrumptious and oh-so-nutritious i'm such a kickass mom lunch, i would've thrown that crap ten days from sunday. just sayin'. i don't think 5 yr olds should have to play with american hookers from China.

3) this is off the wall (ha, what isn't that flies outta my mouth) but i'm left-handed and i am just SICK up to my eyeballs of how crappy the world is for us. i mean, really? i have to have my own pair of scissors. bc, yeah, you righties? ya, your scissors kinda suck. please don't take offense. but mine are awesome. also? message pads? uhm HELLO has anyone in the world ever considered the fact that it HURTS LIKE A MOTHER to try and write down a message with that stupid metal spine trying to lodge itself into your pinky finger? and then they have the nerve to tell me i have bad hand writing. "must be bc you're a lefty, huck, huck!" yes. as a matter of fact, is IS bc i'm a lefty. and it's also bc those message pad makers? they're asshats.

4) when i'm stuck in traffic i like to crack the spine on my current love affair (aka, my book) and plunk it down on the steering wheel and read. for some reason, i think this scares the bejesus out of every other roadster bc i have been getting LOOKS lately. you know... the what-the-hell-was-in-her-mcmuffin-cuz-she's-crazy looks. (mcdonalds on the brain. sigh. be still my heart.) i mean, really? you never multi-task while driving, you mascara-rear-window-vixen you? bc if i'm not mistaken, we are at a STANDSTILL and instead of listening to the insipid radio i'm calmly minding my own business, in my OWN CAR, reading my book. does that offend you? oh, so sorry, ms. has to sit on my bumper the entire time as if nudging your front end carefully into my trunk is going to make traffic disappear, but at least i'm entertaining myself. bc i could so totally be honking and i'm sorry.... nobody, and i mean nobody, likes the honker when it's bumper to bumper. there's nowhere to go, buddy. honking is just gettin' us all shades of pissed.

what else. hm. why has it taken me four days to paint my nails? seriously. it's not like i have all that much to do when i get home at night. also, i cleaned the fridge last night. is it totally shameful to admit that i seriously couldn't recognize something i THINK may have been a lemon once-upon-a-time? yeah. it was that. bad. and also took THREE trash bags to haul away all the stuff that i really shouldn't have had in there to begin with. i read somewhere once that mold produces fumes. (duh. i know.) and probably, the reason both my husband and i have been feeling off for the past month or so? yeah... so i think it was totally the fridge. wow. i am being SO open right now, i'm sharing with you my gross fridge story. but do not fret. i scrubbed and scrubbed and now it sparkles and whenever someone comes over i'm totally all "HEY look in here it's so nice aren't i like the best wife ev-ar??"

i'm also addicted to ice breakers wintergreen mints. oh lordy i eat these things for breakfast. seriously. a container of these doesn't last long once i get ahold of it. i once was accused of stealing a container from my boss. (he totally let me have it. promise. swear. girl scouts honor)

another thing i hate more than anything in the entire world? the fact that blogger is being HORRIBLE and just lost half of this post. wtf???? wtf man? why is it ME who has a black dot on her back and everyone is trying to sniper me out of existence??? is it bc i thought to myself as i pressed that oh-so-alluring orange button, crap, should i have saved this first? will it erase it? nah, im good. and yeah. then i jinxed myself and lost probably the BEST PART of the entire post bc i? am an idiot. and tempted fate. sigh. so sorry, all the cleverness that i had spat out onto the screen w/my clicking fingers... is gone. and i have no more left. and i am having a moment of senility bc i cannot, for the life of me, remember what the hell it is that i wrote.

anyway. i would pretend like i'm goin' to go get some work done but since i'm honest and all i'll tell you the truth. i'm goin' to check out all the blogs that have updated since you know the last five minutes or so. don't judge.


Anonymous said...

1. IDK but I think it has to do with subliminal messaging on the commercials, or something the hell like that.

2. Muirne got a ho-doll and OMG it's awful. It's like the skankz aka bratz dolls. WTH Ronald?

3. My husband, mom, bff, fil and DAUGHTER amonst many other family members in my and my husband's families are lefties. I was really concerned for muirne starting school, but GUESS WHAT? Her kindergarten teacher is left handed. srsly that is awesome-ness.

4. I think that is safer then texting. Just sayin'

5. There is no five, you stopped numbering after four.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

What the HELL blogger? Did you eat my most awesome comment?? Sorry Lo...blogger is an asshat.

Anonymous said...

Ok you totally made me laugh out loud! Too funny! Hope your days get better!

Katie said...

hahaha you are a crack up!

I love me some Happy Meals from McDonalds. I think it makes me feel less guilty than purchasing a super sized meal. ;)

mmmm I think I want McDonald's now. ha!

Midlife Slices said...

You made me laugh and these other commentors make me feel old(er) with the slang that most only be used by the young(er) generation. Oh I sound REALLY old. ugh...

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Do you feel better now? Because that was some serious venting! :)

Marchelle said...

found you thru country girl.

LOL'ing at your rant. spit on my monitor, actually!

how have i not found you before now?! you are HI-larious!!!!

Dreams of a Country Girl said...

but despite it all, you are a beautiful person with a wonderful life. you are so blessed

i hope your day becomes better..


Linda said...

I lurve me some happy meals! burger =, fries, drink AND a toy?! Can't beat that w/a stick!
And don't get me started on the mystry thingy in the fridge. I put on the gas mask and elbow length rubber gloves, scoop out everything into hermetically sealed, bio-hazard waste containers and go in with industrial strength spray disinfectent. We have to "tent" the kitchen by the time I get around to cleaning the fridge.
Oh and get you one of those canned air horns for that asshat behind you. That'll show 'em =)

Jenn said...

I love it! Found you through country girl as well......and through Marchelle.