so i know that i'm known amongst ya'll as this upbeat, uber energetic, flittin from here to there in a seconds notice, kinda blonde. today? i'm scratching the bottom of the barrel for some blog fodder that will motivate me to write something ah-mayzin for ya'll.
sometimes, life is kinda sorta hard without really putting hardship in your way.
want me to explain? sure. that's what this is FOR, duh! :)
so. nothin especially HARD is goin on with me. it's moreso, the buildup of everything. Vlad is working ridic hours at work... since he owns his own business.... and no one wants to pay for work done, yadda yadda, nuthin new. it also means that since we've moved, we still have schtuff at our old townhouse that needs to be wrapped up for goodwill.
it also means our new house? YEAH. neglected. the trim still needs to be painted which means that i have pictures stacked up all 'round the house (condo) and it's not big- it's only about 700 sq. feet- so i'm talkin, there's some days where walkin in my dining room is a big no no. and i like to eat at a table and i'm not talkin coffee table. i also LOVE to cook and it's possible to cook here, very possible, but that leaves the issue of..... not having room to actually eat the food.
i'm sorry if i'm being debbie downer. i try really hard to make sure this is a space where positivity bounds and leaps but sometimes, i need to just let it out. and truth be told, i feel so close to ya'll. i feel like you hear me, even if i post in a public way. some of ya'll i talk to thru emails.
i just want to veer off the path to tell you that i LOVE EMAILING YOU. seriously, i just adore opening up my email and seeing your shining names. i love all of you. and wish we all lived closer, but you know what? bloggin' is more than i EVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. it has become my home. my solace. my beacon in the dark. i can't imagine how i ever navigated life without this home i call slap happy musings. and that's what they are, cuz i'm totally spaztic in real life. just... with a few more 'colorful' words thrown in. just ask my friends. THEY KNOW. wheni get goin, boy, scarface's got nuthin on me.
ahem. back to. the point. so. here i am watchin ugly betty, which, btw, is a good show!! i never knew. i adore it. ahem.
so life for me is stressful. my job is .... it's hard to perform to my upmost caliber when there's this WOMAN (better word will be expressed if ya'll email me.) (firstname.lastname@example.org) who i cannot stand. two women, actually. and it's hard. plus all of the stress of working for an accounting office during tax season and not actually BEING an accountant. i'm reception/personal assistant to head honcho/admin. i do so many things besides answering phones. and answering phones?
so your receptionist? yeah. buy her a hershey bar. she deserves it.
anyway. so my house is functional but upside down, my husband is workaholic extraordinaire, my job sucks, but i have to work overtime in order to save up more money, to do what i WANT to do in life,
LET ME STOP to tell ya'll that i am super duper uber lucky to have what i have. i have a roof over my head, a husband who loves me so much i think he's nutso sometimes, i have a mother who is my best friend, i have friends who adore me. i know this. but sometimes, even mother theresa must've looked around and said yo God, seriously? cuz this shiz? is hard.
it's just that......
well, it's just THAT. and that. and that and that and that.
okay. sorry. just teared up at Grey's Anatomy. usually i hate this show but i'm too busy bloggin to change the channel and .... this is why i dropped out of nursing school.
people are hurting. they WANT to pass. they NEED to pass. and yet they can't, bc of our stupid LAWS that stop people from owning their own bodies and lives. a man wants to die, for many other reasons, but he wants to NOW bc his body is a match to a tiny lil boy who needs organs desperately. and yet, they won't let him pass.
part of me is all DUDE SAVE THE DUDE and then, then....
there's the Lauren who stood next to a dying woman, who was 96, who was crying, who had to have her catheter inputted AGAIN and looked into my eyes, into my soul, and begged me to stop. BEGGED. ME. me, a nursing student, on my rounds, just doin what i should be doing. she was....
let's just say i will never forget that moment and that's the moment that something snapped and all the feces i cleaned, all the vomit, all the comatose people i bathed, everything, i knew i could handle, and that's when THIS came into my life and i spent the next half hour (my break) crying in the hospital bathroom. hating life. hating how ... how OUT OF CONTROL i was. i tear up just thinking about her.
i hope her passing was peaceful. i hope she's at peace.
her daughters were keeping her alive.
and i can tell you, bloggin world, that although i am a spaz and my posts tend to veer off the path of coherent like just now, and i'm goin to end it like this- cuz it's SO MUCH BETTER than the complainin i was doin-
which is why i love ya'll, you distract me from pain-
i can tell you, if my mom looked at me and was all, girl, i need to GO and now, before this gets ugly,
i can tell you i'd have the guts (again better words in email) to say, you know what mom? you deserve some dignity.
i wish more people felt the same.
i'm sure some of ya'll are goin to yell at me for sayin this. go ahead. i will not censor the comments. bc i know how hard it is to lose a person, you want to hold on as long as you can. i think bc i've been there, i know.
and yo. if i tell you to pull the cords? pull em till the sun comes down. but also? if i say BIG FAT CHANCE i'm leavin now? i expect you to fight for me. cuz if you read my blog DUH you must love me.
right? hello? bueller?
:) :) :) :) :)
thanks for liftin' mah mood, mans.