Thursday, January 29, 2009

defeated.


do you ever have those days where you're like, that's it, i give up?
see ya wouldn't wanna be ya?
say hello to my leetle friend?
yeah. welcome to my day. i was contemplating whether to post or not. i generally use this space as my 'happy space', to cheer me up, to be happy, to talk freely and openly about anything i want.
and yeah. i'm not happy right now. the smile isn't reaching my eyes. i have no pep in the step. i am, for all intents and purposes, extremely ... done. defeated. tired.
today, is my, let's take a breather and not even begin to pretend that i'm okay with things. i'm in a lot of pain, guys. in the woman parts area. you know. ovaries. that kinda area. not the OTHER down south area.
just makin' it clear.
i also thought of leaving this off, too, bc... well, honestly? it's extremely personal. it's a huge blow to me personally. i feel less like a woman and more like a pathetic human who has no purpose. i went to the doctor today and found out that yep. i have a fibroid. i don't really want to go into detail of what it is. if you would like to know about my woman parts and what's wrong with them, please google it..... i've said it so many times today i think my tongue is going to fall out. convenient that to communicate here, i type, no?
anyway... i also have cysts. BENIGN. but cysts. and not just two or three. i have an entire family tree of cysts currently living in me.
it means that right now, it's impossible for me to get pregnant.
it means that if i want to get pregnant i better damn do it SOON, as in, before i'm thirty or preferably yesterday cuz pretty soon, chances will be slim to none that it'll happen in my thirties.
my aunt also has this condition... not the fibroid, but the cyst issue. she got pregnant at mid-30's, on the pill, by accident. so. if there's any sign of hope out there, it would be that.
i'm just in pain. from what i had done to my body today, from having this condition in the first place. to top it off i had to come in to work after all of that.
i feel defeated, sad, tired, pissed off, depressed, annoyed.
tomorrow i will be back to normal. but for today? i'm giving myself a freebie. cuz i need it.
and disclaimer. do not feel you have to comment on this post. do not feel sorry for me. i don't like to be pitied, i just.... well, i just want to get it off my chest bc making myself crazy googling it all the live long day is doing nothing for me. to admit it, to get it out, helps to ease some of the shame that i can't do the one thing my female body was built to do.

14 comments:

Jenn said...

I love you. :)

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Hey, girl! It's your blog and what is it for if not to vent your feelings. It's great when you're happy but that doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time. You're human, right? Shit happens and we have to deal. So deal here. We got your back!

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. Fingers crossed it'll all be all right.

Tina said...

It's your blog and you dump all you want. I have the same issues as your aunt (the cysts not the fibroids) and I have never been able to get pregnant either. (I'm 34) I totally understand the feeling of defeat. It's frustrating, infuriating, and nauseating all at the same time. Just relax, take a me day, and tackle it one day at a time.

A Perfectly Unperfect Girl said...

I feel your pain, and I mean literally. Over a year or so ago they found a cyst on my right ovary. The doctor diagnosed me with polycystic ovary syndrome.

Email me, if you want, and we can talk about how I have been dealing with my cyst situation.

I have done alot of research on it.

I hope that you get to feeling better soon. No pity here. Just empathy, cause I know this part of the game.

Love ya Girl!

Mom said...

We'll fight this pooks,

Love You. Mom

Linda said...

not to sound calus but: welcome to my world. It will be OK Honey. Promise.

Southern Bombshell said...

When something we can't control happens(why is it so often bad?) all you can do is react to it. Your reaction is based on all your previous defeats and triumphs but the bottom line is you have already prevailed because YOU ARE STILL HERE! Every second and minute you choose to deal with the situation be it by pushing through with a stiff upper lip or having a needed momentary collapse you are winning a small battle just by living through the circumstance. Everything after that is just gravy.

mollie said...

I am a nurse and I know fo sho that if you get these things taken care of (and that may mean just WATCH them...) you will have NO PROBLEMO having lil' Vlads... You'll be fine. I know you feel like poo. Those mothers can hurt! Hang in there, dont ignore them keep an eye on your ovaries :) and keep your chin up, girl.

T5M said...

praying for you...

:-)

Beki said...

I was writing a comment last night when I got interrupted, but I love you Lo, and feel this pain right now, you need to and you have every right to be pissed and angry. I am always here for you, and love you girl!!!!

melanie said...

Thanks for sharing and being authentically you, Lo.
I like reading what is on your mind and going on in your life and it doesn't have to be happy-go-lucky all the time!
Take a deep breath.
I am praying for you.

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm sorry to hear that, Lo. My sister in law has the same thing and a girl I used to work with last year both went through this.

PS. Just stopped by to let you know that the tattoo post will be up on Monday.

Ash said...

I had cysts when I was a teenager and it DOES hurt. It hurts bad. So sorry to hear you have to go through all this :(