Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Russians & sour cream. good lordy.

so there's some food that Russians really dig. like, i mean, their jive equates to chicken liver and fish eggs and... and... oh lordy i can't bear to list the other stuff.

like frog legs.

like ... DUCK. who eats DUCK??? i feed my BREAD TO THE DUCKS!!! sigh. poor ducky.


so yeah. it occured to me last night as i was makin' a VERY Russian 'salad' (and i will enlighten you as to what "salad" means to a Russian) that i suddenly wasn't gagging anymore.

yeah. i'd totally gag when i made this thing. cuz it is not NORMAL i tells ya!!!!

but i don't anymore. cuz i've been makin' it for goin' on over 4 years now, and i've got this Russian food thing DOWN ya'll. i don't eat it. but i CAN make it.

so. this is called "Russian Cucumber Salad" aka, nasty sour cream concoction that all Russians seem to enjoy. you take a juicy, big innocent cucumber and then you CUT IT like nobodies business. i'm not violent or anything. i just adore cutting vegetables. call it "dull knife syndrome" aka, i need to buy a sharpening block.


so that's my ghetto cutting board. it gets the job done. and that's my Nobody's Business Knife. that's just a shade dull. but. it cut this cucumber like a junkie muggin' a wall street guy.


ew. this is where my poor innocent cucumber gets... gets.... UNVIRGINFIED. poor thing. that's sour cream. i like sour cream. in my mashed potatoes. in my twice baked potatoes. on my baked potato. along with a (pound) sprinkle of bacon.

this? uh, ew. kinda grosses me out. and kinda? is a nice word for another word i'll KINDLY leave out.

yeah i use my baking ... what is that called? BAKIN' WAND in my sour cream. cuz i'm non judgemental like that and all.

oh yeah. those are Lenox elephant salt n peppa shakers in the background. THANKS MOM. i am obsessed with all things elephant. lil known fact about me.

oh also? to ya'll that where all HUH??? when i said it's a known fact i hate my nose? it's cuz i do. it is round, i hate it, i want a new england pointy nose. and when it's cold out? it turns BRIGHT RED. but only on the round tip. i look like rudolph. it looks like a helicopter landing pad. all lit up and waitin' for the arrival. of the president. or. valentino. just sayin'.

also? i am obsessed w/bath n body works midnight orchid (i think that's what it's called???) hand soap. LOVE. IT.

and yeah. this is where my Pioneer Woman skills come to a screeching halt. cuz i was takin pics on my camera phone. cuz i'm a winner like that. and. it's blurry. i am so sorry mah peeps. it happens.
but this is me adding the sour cream (BLECH) to the cucumbers. after this? i will add salt. and i will TOTALLY add too much salt and then scramble to get it out by washing off cucumbers bits bc i was too busy tryin' to take an artistic photo and instead just proved what a complete spaz attack i am.
don't worry. it turned out okay.
so yeah. Russians call this a "salad". but it's not. salad? to me? means lettuce.
to Russians?
salad is anything from beets and egg and gelatin (I KNOW. i think i just threw up a bit in my mouth.) to sour cream and salt and cucumbers and tomatoes to hard boiled egg, mayo, peas, ham, carrots all mixed up.
it doesn't taste good.
trust me. i tried. i really, REALLY TRIED when i first met this man. and. no. it. is. not. good.
do not eat anything that resembles a pork chop. bc i guarantee you, THAT IS CHICKEN LIVER.
just a lil insight into Russian livin'. also? my neighbor? his name is Dima, (short for Dimitri) and he gets drunk like EVERY NIGHT. and slams his door hard. and has a dog. in a condo that doesn't allow dogs.
he tries to speak to me in Russian every time i see him.
and this mornin'? i totally said, (phonetically spelled,) "Poinchee Moo?" to Vlad.
that means, "whadda ya mean??????"
oh lordy. i am goin' Russian. there's no goin' back.
come back again ya'll so i can teach you how to say, OPEN THE DOOR. CLOSE THE DOOR.
cuz i'm a pro like that and all.


Linda said...

K, I have some friends who are from the Russian Ukraine. He is like a MASTER chef! He makes this AWESOME cuke/tomatoe/onion salad. I know, sounds very questionable but I'm talking YUM!
Aces for making "salad" for Vlad!

Jenn said...

I couldn't do Russian food. Nope. Sour cream goes on a loaded baked potato and that's it. Peace yo.

Mama Dawg said...

I've not had sour cream and cucumbers, but I've had plain yougurt and cucumbers while eating Middle Eastern food. That's good.

Marchelle said...

im gonna need you to go ahead and do a post on ALL the russian you know.

you can spell it phonetically (cuz they dont use actual vowels do they?) and then give us the translation.

thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Southern Bombshell said...

Ok, that is a little nasty I'll admit(does remind me of the Tzatziki sauce they put on gyros though yum) However I know at least one Russian dish is oh ma gawd good. Those little stuffed dinner roll looking things. They stuff the dough with mashed potatoes and and other stuff. I had a friend in high school who was Russian and once a year she made a zillion of these things for a family gathering. I would kill for the recipe to make that dough!

Linda said...

Southern Bombshell: You mean pad-ish-key? dough stuffed with ground meat or potatoes then lightly deep fried? Oh.yes.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

OK, so now I have the dollup a daisy song going round and round in my head.

Midlife Slices said...

That there pork chop comment made me so glad I read your site because I'd surely see a pork chop lookin thing and dive right in......then I'd throw up all over the place because me and liver do not mate very pleasantly. Ugh.......