Wednesday, February 4, 2009

field trip to the gyno

so here's a rundown of my doctor visits.

i have what look like TRACK MARKS on my arms! cuz they took blood on both arms. uh, excuse me? since when is it okay to make me heroin-chic and not even ASK ME FIRST? yeah. my work? they thought that was rrreealll nifty.

another thing? why on EARTH should i bother makin an appointment if i'm going to wait three hours? or 45 minutes? or an hour and a half? i mean, really? i called. ahead of time. scheduled it. and now. i'm...... what, exactly? THE WAITING ROOM IS EMPTY.

are ya'll DRINKIN back there????

another thing? uhm, i really don't need twenty gazillion people lookin DOWN THERE when my legs are in stirrups or whatever those scary things are called and my sheet is all icky sticky bc of ultrasound gel that she BATHED ME IN and at one point? i actually was like, yo? let's just invite the ENTIRE OFFICE in to look at my hoo hah bc obviously? it's so interesting and all and maybe it should start it's own blog and i bet it'd be dooce worthy.

and uhm? question? i'm here for an ultrasound. girl has a full bladder. it's 9.30 in the morning. at 10.15? if i don't get this frickin ultrasound stat? i'm going to be reduced to a dog and have no shame as i just explode from pressure and pain right here smack dab in the waiting room next to the fish tank.

when you finish your one and only book that is 3/4 of a way done JUST WAITING in the waiting room? not even waiting in the exam room? yeah. that's sad.

i also believe this is a form of war torture. i don't need to read all the scary pamphlets telling me that i could, you know, just rot up like my neglected bamboo plant. k?

also? if you ever hear the word 'saline' and 'catheter' in the same sentence?


wrap that little sheet around your vajajay and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. being covered in ultrasound gel sounds like childs play when you get a catheter inserted into your UTERUS. just sayin'.

and when i ask you to pretty please give me the alternative two-week medication treatment that allows me to have a glass of wine to calm my freakin out nerves? do it.

i have an ulcer. lucky me. caused by some bacteria i don't know the name of bc honestly? at the fifth syllable? i gave up. cuz i'm a quitter like that and all.

the medication i have to take for two weeks to get rid of the damn thing? i can't drink. i'm not an alcoholic. i am simply a person who enjoys the taste of wine and would like to have a glass when i come home from a day workin my butt off.

thankfully, i tested negative for some scary stuff. i was such a nervous wreck my doctor actually called me the second she found out the results so that i could stop worrying. i am a worrier. i cannot help this. i was SCARED to the point of nightmares that i was carrying ebola or somethin. not fun.

the only good thing i can say is my doctor is very good. i am thankful that i had the intelligence to switch doctors bc the four things wrong with me? my old doctor misdiagnosed me for three years.

let's break down what this girl has:

1. underactive thyroid. which, after all the blood that was SUCKED OUT OF ME? we now know it's workin juuuuust fine.

2. poly-cystic ovaries syndrome. aka, 'all the homeless cysts decided to camp out survivor style in my ovaries without even having the decency to say YO LAYDAY!' or, 'an entire family tree is stuck in my ovaries. family reunion? anyone?'

3. fybroid. chillin in my uterus. uh, thanks A LOT DOC, for saying 'now you're going to feel a little pinch' which, upon insertion, had me jump so high i think i was stuck in the ceiling tiles goin, 'look LADY, you wanna tell the TRUTH HERE??? cuz i'm spread eagle and my foot is near your head. nuff said.'

4. ulcer. which really, isn't scary to me, i had one at nine. i know. weird. but really? the whole, two weeks hopped up on meds where i have to FORCE myself to eat a salami sandwhich at 7.30 in the morning? so i don't upchuck all over the car on my way to work? yeah. NOT. FUN.

so there you go. in-depth doctor visits. and btw? i bruised every. time. they took my blood. angry bruises. painful. i am tired, exhausted, and guess what?

on monday, i see my doctor again. for my annual pap.

all i have to say is, wtf? don't you already KNOW EVERYTHING?????? good god woman you've seen my girl parts like, a jillion times! you saw my UTERUS!! what on earth could you learn now???

wait. don't answer that. i really, really don't want to know.


A Perfectly Unperfect Girl said... sounds like you had quite a day at the gyno. Yeah, um, I hate the doctors office.

Welcome to the polycystic ovary syndrome club. I am not the founder, but I am a member.

Like I said before, if you would like any advice in how to deal with said membership in this club, feel free to email me.

I feel your pain. For real. Not like when other people might say it, you know, and they have no clue what you are talking about and all.

Hey, we have a common bond!! Woo hoo!! Wait, I would have settle for a mutal love of cheese or something, not a medical affliction.

Oh well. We can't always get what we want, can we?? Love ya girlie!! Hang in there!!

wendie said...

I also have an underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism) and PCOS. We have so much in common! LOL.

Jenn said...

So yeah, I don't envy THAT doc visit one bit.


Anonymous said...

Can I please be the first follower when your Va.J.J. starts her own blog?!?

I'm sorry you're day was so crumby!! However, I'm following you on Twitter now!! Better? A little?

mollie said...

Sounds like a great field trip. I'm sorry for the crap-tac-ular day. Sucks. catch up on some rest, girlie.
They couldnt have done the PAP while they were visitin' down there today??
Hope you have a good tomorrow!

Midlife Slices said...

Oh girl....this made me do a big belly laugh out loud. Thanks for the grins. :)

Mom said...

Poor thing...and you really don't want to know what else can be done.

Also, the waiting? In the civilian world, they overbook appointments so that if a patient is a no-show they still make money.

Linda said...

OMG Honey! I'm sorry, I'm laughing. Not at you just your way of telling the story. And because I've had that very.same.appointment.

Anonymous said...

If your vajayjay starts its own blog I am having t-shirts made!!!

"slap happy vajayjay!!"

God I love you girl!!

And I mean that in a totally non-gay's not Wednesday.

Mama Dawg said...

I hate going to the doc for female business. It's like getting screwed but w/out the pleasure.

Sorry, that might have been too much info.

THE Stephanie said...

you poor thing!! when you finish those meds... you help yourself to an entire BOTTLE of wine!!!

T5M said...

I'm pretty sure this blog post violates every HIPAA law there is, but it's good to know that you tested negative for the real scary stuff.

Hope you're feeling better soon!!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Sending hugs to you. (((Lo))). What an ordeal! Glad to hear it wasn't the scary stuff. Doctors can be such a pain in the........ but what would we do without them? Grrr.

Lump said...

ooooh girl, so sorry. I hate those kind of field trips.