field trip to the gyno

so here's a rundown of my doctor visits.

i have what look like TRACK MARKS on my arms! cuz they took blood on both arms. uh, excuse me? since when is it okay to make me heroin-chic and not even ASK ME FIRST? yeah. my work? they thought that was rrreealll nifty.

another thing? why on EARTH should i bother makin an appointment if i'm going to wait three hours? or 45 minutes? or an hour and a half? i mean, really? i called. ahead of time. scheduled it. and now. i'm...... what, exactly? THE WAITING ROOM IS EMPTY.

are ya'll DRINKIN back there????

another thing? uhm, i really don't need twenty gazillion people lookin DOWN THERE when my legs are in stirrups or whatever those scary things are called and my sheet is all icky sticky bc of ultrasound gel that she BATHED ME IN and at one point? i actually was like, yo? let's just invite the ENTIRE OFFICE in to look at my hoo hah bc obviously? it's so interesting and all and maybe it should start it's own blog and i bet it'd be dooce worthy.

and uhm? question? i'm here for an ultrasound. girl has a full bladder. it's 9.30 in the morning. at 10.15? if i don't get this frickin ultrasound stat? i'm going to be reduced to a dog and have no shame as i just explode from pressure and pain right here smack dab in the waiting room next to the fish tank.

when you finish your one and only book that is 3/4 of a way done JUST WAITING in the waiting room? not even waiting in the exam room? yeah. that's sad.

i also believe this is a form of war torture. i don't need to read all the scary pamphlets telling me that i could, you know, just rot up like my neglected bamboo plant. k?

also? if you ever hear the word 'saline' and 'catheter' in the same sentence?

RUN.

wrap that little sheet around your vajajay and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. being covered in ultrasound gel sounds like childs play when you get a catheter inserted into your UTERUS. just sayin'.

and when i ask you to pretty please give me the alternative two-week medication treatment that allows me to have a glass of wine to calm my freakin out nerves? do it.

i have an ulcer. lucky me. caused by some bacteria i don't know the name of bc honestly? at the fifth syllable? i gave up. cuz i'm a quitter like that and all.

the medication i have to take for two weeks to get rid of the damn thing? i can't drink. i'm not an alcoholic. i am simply a person who enjoys the taste of wine and would like to have a glass when i come home from a day workin my butt off.

thankfully, i tested negative for some scary stuff. i was such a nervous wreck my doctor actually called me the second she found out the results so that i could stop worrying. i am a worrier. i cannot help this. i was SCARED to the point of nightmares that i was carrying ebola or somethin. not fun.

the only good thing i can say is my doctor is very good. i am thankful that i had the intelligence to switch doctors bc the four things wrong with me? my old doctor misdiagnosed me for three years.

let's break down what this girl has:

1. underactive thyroid. which, after all the blood that was SUCKED OUT OF ME? we now know it's workin juuuuust fine.

2. poly-cystic ovaries syndrome. aka, 'all the homeless cysts decided to camp out survivor style in my ovaries without even having the decency to say YO LAYDAY!' or, 'an entire family tree is stuck in my ovaries. family reunion? anyone?'

3. fybroid. chillin in my uterus. uh, thanks A LOT DOC, for saying 'now you're going to feel a little pinch' which, upon insertion, had me jump so high i think i was stuck in the ceiling tiles goin, 'look LADY, you wanna tell the TRUTH HERE??? cuz i'm spread eagle and my foot is near your head. nuff said.'

4. ulcer. which really, isn't scary to me, i had one at nine. i know. weird. but really? the whole, two weeks hopped up on meds where i have to FORCE myself to eat a salami sandwhich at 7.30 in the morning? so i don't upchuck all over the car on my way to work? yeah. NOT. FUN.

so there you go. in-depth doctor visits. and btw? i bruised every. time. they took my blood. angry bruises. painful. i am tired, exhausted, and guess what?

on monday, i see my doctor again. for my annual pap.

all i have to say is, wtf? don't you already KNOW EVERYTHING?????? good god woman you've seen my girl parts like, a jillion times! you saw my UTERUS!! what on earth could you learn now???

wait. don't answer that. i really, really don't want to know.