Russians & sour cream. good lordy.

so there's some food that Russians really dig. like, i mean, their jive equates to chicken liver and fish eggs and... and... oh lordy i can't bear to list the other stuff.

like frog legs.

like ... DUCK. who eats DUCK??? i feed my BREAD TO THE DUCKS!!! sigh. poor ducky.

ahem.

so yeah. it occured to me last night as i was makin' a VERY Russian 'salad' (and i will enlighten you as to what "salad" means to a Russian) that i suddenly wasn't gagging anymore.

yeah. i'd totally gag when i made this thing. cuz it is not NORMAL i tells ya!!!!

but i don't anymore. cuz i've been makin' it for goin' on over 4 years now, and i've got this Russian food thing DOWN ya'll. i don't eat it. but i CAN make it.

so. this is called "Russian Cucumber Salad" aka, nasty sour cream concoction that all Russians seem to enjoy. you take a juicy, big innocent cucumber and then you CUT IT like nobodies business. i'm not violent or anything. i just adore cutting vegetables. call it "dull knife syndrome" aka, i need to buy a sharpening block.

ahem.

so that's my ghetto cutting board. it gets the job done. and that's my Nobody's Business Knife. that's just a shade dull. but. it cut this cucumber like a junkie muggin' a wall street guy.

WHAT????

ew. this is where my poor innocent cucumber gets... gets.... UNVIRGINFIED. poor thing. that's sour cream. i like sour cream. in my mashed potatoes. in my twice baked potatoes. on my baked potato. along with a (pound) sprinkle of bacon.




this? uh, ew. kinda grosses me out. and kinda? is a nice word for another word i'll KINDLY leave out.




yeah i use my baking ... what is that called? BAKIN' WAND in my sour cream. cuz i'm non judgemental like that and all.




oh yeah. those are Lenox elephant salt n peppa shakers in the background. THANKS MOM. i am obsessed with all things elephant. lil known fact about me.




oh also? to ya'll that where all HUH??? when i said it's a known fact i hate my nose? it's cuz i do. it is round, i hate it, i want a new england pointy nose. and when it's cold out? it turns BRIGHT RED. but only on the round tip. i look like rudolph. it looks like a helicopter landing pad. all lit up and waitin' for the arrival. of the president. or. valentino. just sayin'.




also? i am obsessed w/bath n body works midnight orchid (i think that's what it's called???) hand soap. LOVE. IT.

and yeah. this is where my Pioneer Woman skills come to a screeching halt. cuz i was takin pics on my camera phone. cuz i'm a winner like that. and. it's blurry. i am so sorry mah peeps. it happens.

but this is me adding the sour cream (BLECH) to the cucumbers. after this? i will add salt. and i will TOTALLY add too much salt and then scramble to get it out by washing off cucumbers bits bc i was too busy tryin' to take an artistic photo and instead just proved what a complete spaz attack i am.

don't worry. it turned out okay.

so yeah. Russians call this a "salad". but it's not. salad? to me? means lettuce.

to Russians?

salad is anything from beets and egg and gelatin (I KNOW. i think i just threw up a bit in my mouth.) to sour cream and salt and cucumbers and tomatoes to hard boiled egg, mayo, peas, ham, carrots all mixed up.

it doesn't taste good.

trust me. i tried. i really, REALLY TRIED when i first met this man. and. no. it. is. not. good.

do not eat anything that resembles a pork chop. bc i guarantee you, THAT IS CHICKEN LIVER.

just a lil insight into Russian livin'. also? my neighbor? his name is Dima, (short for Dimitri) and he gets drunk like EVERY NIGHT. and slams his door hard. and has a dog. in a condo that doesn't allow dogs.

he tries to speak to me in Russian every time i see him.

and this mornin'? i totally said, (phonetically spelled,) "Poinchee Moo?" to Vlad.

that means, "whadda ya mean??????"

oh lordy. i am goin' Russian. there's no goin' back.

come back again ya'll so i can teach you how to say, OPEN THE DOOR. CLOSE THE DOOR.

cuz i'm a pro like that and all.