defeated.

do you ever have those days where you're like, that's it, i give up?

see ya wouldn't wanna be ya?

say hello to my leetle friend?

yeah. welcome to my day. i was contemplating whether to post or not. i generally use this space as my 'happy space', to cheer me up, to be happy, to talk freely and openly about anything i want.

and yeah. i'm not happy right now. the smile isn't reaching my eyes. i have no pep in the step. i am, for all intents and purposes, extremely ... done. defeated. tired.

today, is my, let's take a breather and not even begin to pretend that i'm okay with things. i'm in a lot of pain, guys. in the woman parts area. you know. ovaries. that kinda area. not the OTHER down south area.

just makin' it clear.

i also thought of leaving this off, too, bc... well, honestly? it's extremely personal. it's a huge blow to me personally. i feel less like a woman and more like a pathetic human who has no purpose. i went to the doctor today and found out that yep. i have a fibroid. i don't really want to go into detail of what it is. if you would like to know about my woman parts and what's wrong with them, please google it..... i've said it so many times today i think my tongue is going to fall out. convenient that to communicate here, i type, no?

anyway... i also have cysts. BENIGN. but cysts. and not just two or three. i have an entire family tree of cysts currently living in me.

it means that right now, it's impossible for me to get pregnant.

it means that if i want to get pregnant i better damn do it SOON, as in, before i'm thirty or preferably yesterday cuz pretty soon, chances will be slim to none that it'll happen in my thirties.

my aunt also has this condition... not the fibroid, but the cyst issue. she got pregnant at mid-30's, on the pill, by accident. so. if there's any sign of hope out there, it would be that.

i'm just in pain. from what i had done to my body today, from having this condition in the first place. to top it off i had to come in to work after all of that.

i feel defeated, sad, tired, pissed off, depressed, annoyed.

tomorrow i will be back to normal. but for today? i'm giving myself a freebie. cuz i need it.

and disclaimer. do not feel you have to comment on this post. do not feel sorry for me. i don't like to be pitied, i just.... well, i just want to get it off my chest bc making myself crazy googling it all the live long day is doing nothing for me. to admit it, to get it out, helps to ease some of the shame that i can't do the one thing my female body was built to do.